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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

MARRIAGE: Husband is Drinking Too Much
Letter #: 374302
Category: Other

Original Letter

Hello, At this point, as I write to you, I am beyond frustrated.  My husband of 22 years is and has been drinking heavily for over a year; since he started his own business.  I try to be understanding, and gently say to him, I am concerned.  Our son, who is 17 has even shared with him, and me, that he feels he drinks too much. 

I will try to answer some of the questions you may have.  What is too much?  Everyday. He drinks after he gets off of work, and on Saturdays & Sundays.  He drinks wine, red, at least 2 to 3, glasses, sometimes more a day.  He starts drinking at about noon on the weekends, and drinks himself to a drunken like state. If he runs out, he buys more, or drinks what ever he can find. 

I don't know if he is an alcoholic; but I do know that it's affecting him, our family, and his abilities.  He just doesn't seem to see it, or care to like I/we do. 

What has heightened my concern, is he drives right after he has been drinking sometimes.  And once he was pulled over while driving back from an event, and had been drinking; I was scared to death, but he got off with just a speeding ticket.  And just the other day, we went out bowling as a family, and it was around noonish, and he started drinking wine, had 2 drinks, lied to the bartender when he attempted to get a 3rd drink and told her it was for me.  I don't drink early in the afternoon, I am an occasional drinker at best.

I am scared for him, and the fact that he is basically ignoring my messages, and telling me I'm nagging. My husband is a proud man, and it takes a lot for him to admit he is wrong, but my prayer is that he will realize he is hurting both himslef, and his family.  He has worked really hard to build his business, and I would hate to see the lesson, that I know he's got to learn, cut so deep, it thwarts all of his hard work, or worse he hurts himself or someone else.

Your advice is alway helpful.  Thank you, and I hope I didn't paint an ugly picture of him, just his habit, and seemingly addiction.

Elder Response

I’m sorry your family is dealing with this issue, Dee. It is not easy to convince an alcoholic that he has a problem. Your husband appears to be a “functioning alcoholic.”  While his drinking is harming his family relations, he is able to function and work. That leads an alcoholic to believe he can handle his drinking.

I found this website, and it has very good advice on how to deal with a spouse with an alcohol issue:
http://www.cleanandsoberlive.com/how-to-confront-an-alcoholic-in-denial/

I think you will find their suggestions helpful.  I think you will also see that his reactions to your discussions about his drinking are almost identical to what are described on the site. There are many excellent websites you can use to get more information and tips on how to help him realize his addiction. Simply google “helping an alcoholic”

One thing I think you need to be very specific about with him is drinking and driving. Those actions not only put you and your family in harm’s way, it threatens innocent people. With today’s blood alcohol limits as low as they are for DUI, he needs to agree to have a designated driver when he has consumed more than 2 glasses of wine. Be persistent, and stress both the safety factor, and the possible huge penalties of a DUI or an accident while DUI. It can mean jail time. As suggested in the link I gave you, the time to have that discussion is when he is sober.

You and your son should consider joining Alanon. This group is specifically for families of alcoholics, and can be a great support group for you. You and son need professional support as much as your husband does. 

You didn’t paint an ugly picture of your husband, Dee. Addiction is a disease, and he needs the help you are providing. It may take some time, but stay vigilant. You obviously love your husband, and want the guy you married back in your life. He’s lucky to have two people like you and your son. You care about him and his health.

I wish you, your son, and your husband success.

Best Regards,

Grandpat


    

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