Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
MARRIAGE: Husband Left Me, And I Want Answers Original Letter My husband left me on 2nd November while I was 30 weeks pregnant. We also have a two year old son together. He told me he didn't think he wanted to be with me anymore. I later found out he is having an affair with a work colleague. While he swears nothing physical happened while we were together but they are still seeing each other although I am the only person he admits that too. None of his friends know and he won't tell his family about her either (I am still in contact with them so know this). For me, my husbands unhappiness came out of the blue. We did argue over my lack of trust in him because of his need to tell lies about the smallest of things and my need to control everything ( he felt as if I was constantly nagging him). We had just decorated our home, were expanding our family and even thinking about booking a holiday together. It was honestly really sudden for me. When I found out about his affair he proceeded to scream abuse at me and blame me for everything. He had told awful lies about me, saying I made his life a misery for years and I am mentally unstable because I have suffered from depression in the past. I responded with hatred and a venomous tongue at both him and his affair partner which I know done absolutely nothing to help. He says he doesnt want to be with me anymore and I do need to accept that but I feel this has all happened so suddenly. He won't give me a straight answer apart from 'I was sick of arguing'. We didnt argue everyday and it was about the same things constantly. I do not believe in divorce and want to get answers but my husband is a closed book and I am too angry to speak to him without flying off the handle about the situation. He refuses conselling and I just feel we have thrown away everything so quickly and over what I do not know. It hurts that he is investing so much time into the girl when he has two sons and a wife that he just seems to have dropped. I feel I need to step back until the hurt and anger starts to subside but I feel I will lose him but then again havent I already lost him? I just do not know what to do about the whole situation anymore. Its like he is a stranger who stopped loving me overnight and she has just replaced me. She is in my home and my husbands heart. Elder Response I am so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in. Having a second baby is difficult enough; but being hit with your husband's infidelity on top of that must have been almost unbearable. Please do not apologize for your anger and emotions in this situation; anybody would tend to react in a similar manner given the circumstances. It's unfortunate that your husband refuses to participate in counseling. I believe that would be only way for the two of you to sort out and resolve the issues in your marriage. While you feel his behavior was sudden, it's likely that the anger and negative emotions have been building up for a long time. At this point, he has chosen to just shut down and leave all of his responsibilities. This behavior and refusal to work with you to try and save your marriage reflects an individual who has been acting on a selfish and immature level. In short, he is thinking only of himself and blaming all of the relationship issues entirely on you. Since your husband refuses to make any efforts towards your marriage, you will have to start thinking about the future of you and your children. I recommend you see a therapist to help you through this difficult time. I also would advise you to get in touch with an attorney who specializes in family and marital issues. It's important that you take the steps necessary for your emotional and financial well being during these transitions. It also goes without saying that your children will need extra support at this time. Close and trusted friends and family members can be of great help at a time like this. Please take the steps noted above. I am wishing you the very best for your future! Best Regards, Joanie-Wise |
