Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
OTHER: I Feel So Alone After Mother's Suicide
I am not exactly sure of how this works. This is my first time doing something like this. My name is Raven and approximatley two years ago my mother passed away from a suicidal overdose. You see growing up for me consisted of taking care of my mother and making sure she was alright. She was a heavy drug addict and my father was an alocholic so he was never around. I am unsure of how to continue, I am seventeen years old currently and am struggling with trying to deal with the guilt it has brought me. I never really had a childhood much, instead I endured sexual, emotional, and physical abuse brought on by my family. After she passed my family blamed myself for her death so naturally so did I. I was the only one who would ever protect her and take care of her. I feel that I let her down because I couldnt save her. She always relied on me to save her and the one time she needed me most I could not. So now I constantly push people away for fear of hurting them. My dream is always the same, she is drowning, calling out my name and I cant save her. I have tried so hard and have gone to many people and no one can seem to help me. I dont feel worthy of love and so it makes my current relationship almost unbearable. I feel so alone in this world without her, I know that everything she has done to me was wrong but I cant seem to let go. She was the only one who believed in me and now I am stuck. Stuck in a place without people who help me, stuck in a place without true family or a place to call home. I hope I am not a burden to you and I would just like to thank you for everyone you have helped. I know it is a lot to ask of you and if you cannot help me either I will understand. If you need more information I would be happy to give it to you. Thank you for your time.
~~I am so sorry life has been so cruel to you, Raven. You sound like a remarkable young woman, and hope the future brings you the joy and happiness you so much deserve.
You can get through this, and have a good productive life. You have not caused any of the pain you have endured, and should not be blaming yourself. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It is obvious you loved her very much, and she loved you as well. It is sad that love couldn’t overcome the demons she experienced, but know you were a comfort in her life. You were her gift from God, and you made her life less painful.
Raven, have you thought about having counseling? A professional is trained to help you understand how your life experiences have affected you, and help you heal from the emotional traumas you have experienced. You can start by meeting with your School Counselor, and ask him / her if they know of any counselors that would be able to help you. They are experienced in therapy, and know what services are available. Your state or city may have services that are little or no cost. By using the resources your school has for you, you will develop a partnership with an adult who only wants the best for you.
Please don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. You may be surprised to learn a majority of people have sought therapy at one or more points of their life. It is a positive action to take, and it will help you understand how the hurdles in your life have held you back from happiness. A therapist can successfully give you a road map for your future happiness. You truly deserve that.
I wish I could sit next to you, hold your hand, and listen. That is what any good Grandparent would want to do for you. Sadly, I can’t do that, but there are people in your life that can. I think your school counselor is the place to start.
Above all, be proud of yourself. I know your Mom was proud of you, and she would want you to be happy and proud as well. You have already done profound acts not expected of a young woman. You had to mature quickly and deal with issues most young people have never seen. You survived, and now it is time to face the future with the knowledge your experiences have only made you stronger. You not only can move ahead, you can do so knowing you can live a happy and productive life.
I wish I could be there for you Raven, I truly do. I also wish I could do more to help you through this time in your life. Please keep in contact with Elder Wisdom Circle. I can assure you it is truly a circle of friends for you, and everyone here wants to help you in any way we can. You would never be a burden to anyone.