Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
FAMILY: Dealing with Loss Original Letter I am writing to you today in the worst 2 month streak of events in my life. About a 2 months ago my Grandfather died suddenly without warning. I was out of the country in Germany for an exchange program for school. My parents decided to wait until I got home (2 days later) to tell me, as to not ruin my trip. The loss of my Grandfather was a major loss in my life, He had a wealth of knowledge that I no longer have access to. So I am writing to you as a new source of wisdom. My grandfather was very important to me, he taught me about seeing different viewpoints and seeing the world through new lenses. I have always had an extremely hard time with loss in my life, but my grandfather was the first major loss in my family. since then, I feel like I am spiraling down. I have lost the will to do basic things in my life that used to bring me joy. My 4 year involvement on the Track team feels pointless and I want to quit with only 2 weeks left in the season. Most of my friends run track as well and its the only time I see them in the day, but I have no will to work towards something that I won't be able to achieve. that and a list of a few other things I can no longer bring my self to do. Recently, in the past week or so things have been looking up, I built up the courage to as somebody to prom. She said yes, but today I found that she wants to go with another guy. I have also developed severe anxiety and self confidence issues that have affected my relationship with my coaches, and friends. My question is, How do I stop the spiral? how do I not loose hope, and how do I move past loss? Thank You for your help! -Ben Elder Response We are the Elder Ridge Owls, a group of people who share life in a retirement community. All of us have had to deal with loss and grief many times in our lives. Please accept our sympathies and our assurances that though each person’s situation is unique, the overall experience is one we all share. It is part of the human experience. We offer you the following thoughts and suggestions for your consideration. Let’s begin with some perspective. Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes, of gain and loss. They come as a matched set. Expecting to live without loss is unrealistic. Every change or choice in our lives includes some form of hello and goodbye – some form of loss along with a gain. There are many types of loss. It may be the death of a loved one, loss of trust we once had in another person, loss of a job, loss of a pet, or even betrayal by our own bodies (serious illness or ageing). You have just experienced a major loss; the feelings you describe in your letter are completely normal. Have you considered obtaining any grief counseling? You may need to try more than one counselor to find what you need. There is no shame or weakness in seeking professional help in a difficult situation. Would you continue to suffer from a toothache rather than get help from a dentist? The concept is the same. You can get referrals from your doctor, religious advisor, school, or community social services. There are also many self-help techniques you can try. Here are some that may help you. 1. Imagine your grief as a journey through a very dark place. Uphill with a heavy pack and physically exhausting, emotionally draining. There are no short cuts or escape routes. It is just you and you have to do it. In order to sustain yourself during the trip, you need to eat right, get sufficient rest, and not be too hard on yourself when you think you are falling short of your goal. Taking care of yourself will help you bear the burden of your loss. It will help you both physically and mentally. 2. Remember what your grandfather taught you and continue to make it part of your life. Live in a way that would make him proud of you. You may want to assemble a photo album or collection of pictures that remind you of your happy times together. Many people find comfort in writing letters to their loved ones. Just write as though you were talking together; bring him up to date on your activities and plans. Remind him of old jokes. A similar technique is to talk to the person as if he was sitting right next to you, and you are alone together. Some people find visits to their loved one’s grave to talk to them to be of help. 3. Make use of the skills he taught you about seeing different viewpoints and in different ways. This is a wonderful gift you can pass on to other, younger people in your family, including your own children someday. You can continue to honor your grandfather in this way all your life. Keep in mind that there are no rules on how long grief should last. Like all human emotions, any attempt to turn off your grief as though it were a water faucet will do more harm than good. Grief lasts as long as it takes and will be different in each situation. Pay no attention to someone who tells you to “Just get over it!”. Yes, you must go on with your life, but you should try to do this in a way that strengthens you. The Bible tells us: Blessed are they that mourn for they shall be comforted.” Each person finds comfort in their own way and time. Generally speaking, you should expect this first year to be the most difficult, but the anniversary of important dates in your lives could be sad for years to come. Be aware that grief may overtake you unexpectedly. One of our members still recalls bursting into tears in the lobby of the building where she worked upon hearing a song that reminded her of her youngest sister who had died the year before. If something like this happens, be gentle with yourself. Again, it is nobody’s business but your own. You may find that other family members are having similar experiences. If possible, go to the prom and have fun. Afterwards you can “tell” your grandfather all about it. Try not to be upset if your current date does not work out. Either go by yourself or just skip the event. Adding stress to your life at this point in time is not a good idea, so do what is best for you. Benjamin, we wish you well as you travel through this distressing time in your life. Our thoughts are with you. If you have more concerns or questions, feel free to write a new letter to the Elder Wisdom Circle. There are plenty of Elders available to help you. Best Regards, Elder-Ridge-Owls |
