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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

MARRIAGE: Parents Will Disown Me If I Marry Him
Letter #: 379331
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Torn between my heart and my family.?

I am in love with a Nigerian man. I myself am Ghanaian and we have been dating on and off for a while. He proposed to me and I turned him down ( something I have always regretted). He is the only man who has truly been able to put a smile on my face even when I am upset. However, I was not sure of where the relationship was heading. We have known each other for 4 years and his even yet to introduce me to any of his friends and makes excuses when I try to get him to meet mine. I recently met another man who is Ghanaian, through a friend. He is very nice but initially I was finding little things about him annoying. He has also proposed to me and wants to marry me by the end of next year even though he does not know me that well. I do not have such feelings for him but feel it will develop with. The thing is that, my heart is with the Nigerian man but my parents will dis-own me if I marry him.


Elder Response

You are having doubts about each of these men and serious concerns that merit consideration.  The fact that the one from Nigeria won't introduce you to his friends and won't meet yours is a red warning flag.  There are reasons behind that kind of reluctance, which are certainly not conducive to building a relationship on. 

The man from Ghana, on the other hand, has not had time for you to get to know each other and you do not even have strong romantic feelings for him.  Having your parents so set against him is another strike. 

I am not sure why these men are proposing marriage to you without getting to know you and your friends and family well. Surely you want a marriage based on trust and friendship which involves knowing all you can about each other.  The reason for having friends and family meet a prospective partner are to get other people's opinions and feedback. When we marry, we not only marry one person, but that person's history, experiences, relatives and choice of friendships.  These are all important aspects of someone you intend to spend your life with. 

Marriage is not just a contract to be entered into because someone offers it.  It's a meeting of two minds and hearts in a loving and nurturing relationship.  I don't sense that you have that with either of these men.  Why don't you keep looking and find someone you can get to know on a deeply and thoroughly personal level FIRST before considering marriage?  In many cases, an unfortunate or unhappy marriage can be a nightmare and difficult to resolve or to get out of.  I urge you to be cautious.  The fact that you wrote with these questions is evidence of your doubts.  Listen to your qualms and don't give in to any proposals that you are not absolutely certain are the "right" thing for you.  You will know in your heart when it feels totally "right", Winnifred.  That feeling is worth waiting for. 

All my good wishes for a blessed future. 

Best Regards,



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