Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Great 1st date, but no follow up Original Letter Hello!! I'm a 29 year old woman and I just went on a great 1st date with a great guy. He asked me out the same day we met. And the day after we met for ice cream. Ice cream turned into a movie and that turned into pizza. I had fun. He dropped me at home and asked me if he could kiss me. I said yes. And it was a sweet kiss but was a little off center. But it was cute. I left awkwardly after our kiss. He doesn't know why but here's the reason: I haven't been on a date in over a year. The last date I went on I was sexually assaulted but I've been healing from that experience. I think that's why I reacted strangely to our kiss. I'm afraid he could read me as standoffish or weird. But I'm also a little shy. I sensed that he might be shy/guarded too. After the date he texted me to say he made it home. I asked him to call me this week if he had free time. He said 'Sure!' It's been 3 days with no call. I texted him and he texted me back but that's been it for post date follow up. I now wonder if he's even interested in me. But I also wonder if he knows I'm really interested in him. It's possible that I didn't really show or tell him. I'm contemplating sending him a text to let him know that I'm interested just in case it seemed like I wasn't. I don't want to let this potential go because we did not communicate well with each other. I want to open myself up but I'm not sure if I should. I'm also worried that this could open a can of worms regarding the assault. I'm willing to share but i don't know if he's ready to listen at this point. Either way I want to try but I don't want to make this weird or uncomfortable. Please help!! Elder Response Hi Nicole, I'm glad you asked for some advice because I think I can help you think about your situation in a way that will give you a better sense of how to handle it. When I was dating I was kind of shy myself and I came across as standoffish to some. Once I realized that I decided to admit openly that I was shy. It didn't feel like I was disparaging myself and it actually made people feel closer to me. The feedback I received was always very positive. Some commented favorably about how honest I was and allowed them to feel better about sharing some of their inhibitions. This resulted in a better and more honest relationship with the people I liked being with. I have a feeling that if you tell him you're shy he may admit his shyness also, which would allow both of you to feel less awkward, if in fact you feel that way. I think it's important that you not mention the sexual assault this early in your friendship, thus there's no can of worms to be concerned with. That's the kind of thing to share if the relationship continues, and I believe you'll know if and when the time is right. If you tell him that you had a date with someone who was unusually aggressive and made you feel very uncomfortable that would be reason enough to explain your tentativeness on the date with him. Even though you say you are healing I'd like to mention that I hope you're getting some help in order to get past that awful experience. Seeing a therapist that specializes in that kind of trauma would help you heal even faster. If money is an issue there are a number of free advocacy groups for people experiencing the same kinds of trauma that you could find on line. It always helps to talk with people who have been through the same thing as you. I highly recommend you getting whatever help you can to minimize the time of healing. Getting back to your date, the fact that ice cream turned into a movie that turned into pizza, sounds to me as though you both really enjoyed each other's company. Him asking if he could kiss you tells me that he was acting respectfully towards you and texting to let you know he made it home was a way to continue his connection with you, which is something a guy who likes and appreciates you would do. I don't see any reason not to text him and say that you really enjoyed being with him, would like to do it again and ask when it would be a good time for him. You could also rekindle the connection in the text by thinking of something you both found funny on your date and mention it saying that you thought about it and laughed all over again. I commend you for wanting to make sure he didn't misunderstand and think you weren't interested. Letting him know is an honest and positive way to communicate with someone. I don't ever think that opening yourself up to a good person is a bad thing to do. If you do and the person doesn't respond in the way that feels okay to you it's an excellent way to find out if he's the kind of person you really want to be with. I hope this was of some help to you Nicole. You sound like the kind of person most people would enjoy being with. I'd like to leave you with something someone told me a long time ago that helped me with my shyness. "Shyness is a strength to build upon, not a flaw to be embarrassed by!" Best Regards, JoeF |
