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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FRIENDSHIP: Feeling Excluded by the Group
Letter #: 380828
Category: Friendship

Original Letter

Hello,

My name is Jason, and I'm an incoming junior at my high school. I'm described as many as a loving, kind, and funny kid. I've been really good friends with incoming junior Owen, popular incoming senior Megan, and Megan's incoming junior sister Alyssa. My problem with them, however, is the 'hanging out' issue. Owen has only invited me to hang out with and his friend group on rare occasions. He's admitted to me in the past that he hasn't invited me to hang out because he thinks I'm gonna act stupid and erratic and talk about girls too much. On the other hand, Megan and Alyssa have rarely asked me to hang out, because they're always spending time with popular kids. Megan invited me to hang out once, but she had to cancel last minute. On Snapchat, I've seen that she has just enough time to hang out with popular friends, but she always seems to be busy to spend time with me. There were a few times where she offered to hang over summer, but that never happened. I feel like I'm being excluded, and I don't know what to do, because they're part of the only friends I have.

I'm not a kid who is aspiring to be popular. 

I'm just a kid who wants true friends.

What should I do?

Thank you, Jason.

Elder Response

There are many different kinds of friends, Jason, and it sounds to me like Owen, Megan and Alyssa are casual friends who like you, but they prefer to spend their time in other ways.  It sounds like you are looking for some best friends who want to hang out often with you. 

So first, expand your circles.  Find some clubs or sports or hobbies where there are other people involved, and join.  Having similar interests with people will make it easier for you to make friends. And you all will do this common "thing" together, and so be "hanging out" but in a structured fashion. By focusing on the common activity itself, it will be easier to make friends. You could play a sport, join a bowling team or a choir, or church group, start a band, participate in a theater group, join the chess club, or computer club, etc. The list of activities available to you is endless. This also makes you more interesting to other people who may not be involved in that same activity. 

There is an emotional  middle ground where people feel comfortable with others, and so learn where this is and try to put yourself in that middle ground. On one side of the scale, people are indifferent and cold. On the other side of the scale, people are needy and dependent.  You want to be in the middle.  You want to be friendly and warm but not clingy, and you do not want to act differently than who you are in order to get attention. 

Be happy with yourself. There are times in life when you have to start over and make new friends. If you go off to college, or move to a new town to start a new job, you may have to leave your current friends behind. So learning how to make new friends is a skill that will be helpful to you for your entire life.  So practice this and don't be sad.  You are a loving, kind and funny young person, and I am sure many people will be drawn to you and want to be your friend if you reach out to them. People are drawn to happy, kind people, who are confident in themselves.  It sounds like you have a sense of humor too, and you just need to find people who appreciate your sense of humor. 

High school is a time for learning about other people and yourself as well.  So look for things that you like to do, and do them.  Having interests of your own will draw other, like-minded people to you. You can also reach out to other students when you get back to school, and make friends with others in your classes.  Seeing the same people almost everyday is a good way to get to know others and to make friends. 

I wish you all the best, Jason, and I know there are true friends out there just waiting to meet you. Write us again in the future if we can be of any further help.  

Best Regards,

G-ma-Ginny


    

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