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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: He's Snapchatting Another Girl
Letter #: 381971
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

So my boyfriend recently added this girl on a social app called "snapchat" . He lied about how he added her and that made me become worried and I began to overthink. I seen that they chat on there but I don't know about what . I also found out he went over her house with his friend to say hi to her .. She messaged my boyfriend though and initiated that they should go over. She doesn't even know him. . His friend knows her so he said thats why he saw no big deal about going over.  The thing is my boyfriend doesn't know her at all that's the first time he's met her . I'm feeling very uncomfortable with this girl so I asked him if he could please delete her as a friend from 2 different apps he has her on and he only deleted her off one but he won't delete her off the other one! This made me even more worried and extremely sad . I don't know what to do or should I just believe him when he says nothing is going on?

Elder Response

Something is going on, Stephanie. It's going on in your head. You've decided not to trust your boyfriend (how did you find out that he added a girl to his snapchat? How did you find out that he went to her house? How did you find out that he only deleted her from one app? Unless I'm mistaken, the only way you could know those things is if you were snooping around), and you're letting him know you don't trust him.

When you let someone know that you don't trust them, and you try to dictate who they will or won't talk to, you make them feel like you're trying to put them in a cage, trying to control them. Most of us don't like to be controlled by somebody else, and we react by doing more of the very thing we've been told not to do.

Now, I'm not saying that it's okay to lie about things like your boyfriend did. Lying is going to make you trust him even less. Do you see how this thing grows? He lies, you don't trust. Because you don't trust, and try to control him, he lies even more, or gets more stubborn about the things you object to. Which makes you trust him even less, and that makes him even more stubborn and more likely to lie to you.

You can't force your boyfriend not to be interested in another girl -- especially if you're nagging him about her. The only way you can keep him interested in you is by being the kind of person he wants to be with. So, instead of fretting about who he chats with or visits with, how about finding ways to have fun with him, laugh with him, enjoy his company? That's the very best way I know to keep a guy. Don't fence him in; open up all the gates, and then show him that your place is the very best place for him to be.

Thanks for writing to us, Stephanie, and do write back whenever you feel like it. Good luck!

Best Regards,

GranJan


    

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