Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Should I Tell Him I Cheated? Original Letter I am 17 years old and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over 2 months. I have known him for a long time and i really feel as though he is the one i belong with,and he feels the same about me. We have never had an argument and there are no issues within our relationship. However last night, i went to a guy friend's house with a few other people and started drinking. i wasnt planning on drinking as much as i had, and i soon got very tired. my guy friend asked if i wanted to just go upstairs and sleep in his bed and i said yes. when we got into the bed he put his arm around me. he continued to make further moves on me and i said things like "i cant do this". whenever i said something like that he would say "i wont do anything you dont want me to do" but he continued to get more touchy and he kept trying to kiss me. i pulled away a few times but then i just gave in. i again said that i should not be doing this. eventually my resistance just got weaker and i gave in. i had sex with him and i know i shouldnt have. i still dont understand why i didnt just continue saying no. anyway now that i am home and fully sober ive been thinking about what i did and its been eating me alive. i havent stopped crying. i feel like such an idiot and i wish more tthan anything that i hadnt even gone to that guys house. now i have to decide whether or not i should tell my boyfriend what happened. the guilt is killing me and i dont know if it will ever get any better. but that may be what i deserve. i know that it will hurt him so much if i tell him, and i am so so scared that i may lose him over this stupid mistake. but i fear there could be a chance he may find out about this and that would be even worse than hearing it from me. if i tell him myself, i feel as though i will be able to forgive myself more easily, but i fear that its selfish of me to hurt him in order to make myself feel better. i am also afraid that our relationship will never be the same if i tell him, but its not likely to be the same again anyway. i cant even have a conversation with him over text because of how guilty i feel. i very strongly feel like i need to tell him but i want to do what is best for him. im also afraid of him telling his family and they will never forgive me, even if by some miracle he does. i trust my boyfriend 100% and i want him to be able to trust me as much. there is no way that i could ever do something like this again. i dont even think i will ever drink like that again. i dont even trust myself Elder Response The problem with alcohol, Katie, is it clouds your judgment, weakens your inhibitions and turns the world around you into a trance-like haze. At that moment you don't really care about consequences. However, as you've already experienced, in the sober light of day reality sets in and then you're left with a bruised and battered conscience. Alcohol just gives us false courage and warps our sense of reality. When we are young and consume alcohol we can end up doing things we will later regret. This is where you are right now. Beating yourself up over it is counterproductive and does nothing to change what's happened. Forgive yourself for a momentary lapse of judgment and then put the incident behind you. I get the sense from your letter that you believe your boyfriend is going to find out about this whether or not you tell him. You will find throughout your life that honesty is always the best course of action. When we start out living a lie we end up constantly looking over our shoulder, manipulating facts to suit that lie and eventually one lie becomes many as we cover our tracks. Although you have strong feelings for your boyfriend, you have only been a couple for two months. Despite the newness of this relationship it is always best to own up to your mistakes, take responsibility for your actions and then move on. If you tell your boyfriend the truth you most certainly risk losing him. However, if he finds out another way you most surely will lose him. It is one thing to have done something to hurt him but it is quite another when you attempt to deceive him after the fact. Katie, the significant issue here, over and above hurting your boyfriend, is the chance you took by having sex in a moment of weakness. There is always the risk of an unwanted pregnancy or STD. An unwanted pregnancy at this age would quite literally devastate your life and possibly alter your future. Right now what's most important is finishing school, going on to college and then establishing a career for yourself. Every single woman needs to reach a point of financial independence before getting married and having a family. This is critical to every young woman's sense of self worth. I believe you already realize you are probably too young to handle liquor and should avoid placing yourself in compromising situations in the future. Love and respect yourself too much to ever allow anyone take advantage of you again. The world is full of temptations, some good and some not in our best interest. This one fell in the latter. I wish you the best going forward. Please remember one very simple expression by which to live your life: "The truth shall set you free." This statement was true yesterday, as it is today and will be for all of time. Best Regards, Linda |
