Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™
OTHER: Grieving A Man I Loved
i keep falling in and out of the memory about my old crush. it's been about three years since his death ( still can't believe it's been that long). johnathan and i never dated and the last time i spoke to him, i don't think i gave off such a good impression. i said i hated him... i didn't mean it but it just bothered me how i really didn't think he understood how much i loved him. i still can't believe i said that. i've known him for five years, and something just kept pulling me closer to him. he's the only guy i've ever went head over hills for. i'm 17, i'll be turning 18 in december, so i met him when i was about 12 years old. i'd never forget how glorious that summer was for me and to this very day i can't get him off my mind.today all i did was take a break and lean back and just wonder about him, and how i'll never see him again. the fact that all i have is the memory of him, pains me.there's this thought of mine where i actually would wish he didn't die and he was still here. my mom thought i was so young to have such strong feelings about someone at the age i was. i could still remember the night i found out of his passing, i cried so much and fell so hard on my knees; it was as if my world was spinning and crashing right before my eyes. he told me that the day we met, should've been in a story, he told me, ' if you ever wrote about this, i'd be the first one in line to buy it.' ... if i ever write it, he'll never get the chance to read it. he doesn't even have to date me... i just wish he was here, on earth, alive and still breathing. nothing i do seems to stop me from relapsing about johnathan.
Condolences on the loss of Johnathan. Your deep feelings are evident. Your grief is still tangible.
You still wish he was on earth, alive and still breathing. However, as your logical mind knows that is not possible. It is taking time for your heart to accept.
The acceptance is made more difficult by your last remark that you hated him... when you didn't really. He may have known it was not the truth the minute you said it. Let's hope he's in a place where he realizes that you actually loved him.
One thing you could do is make a proper 'good-bye' by writing him a letter telling your feelings and memories and then burning it. This would be a symbolic gesture that might make you feel better. Another thing you might do is to visit with his parents. Let them know you cared deeply about their son. It will give them comfort and, also, give you someone to talk to about Johnathan. Another thing you might do is something fitting to honor his memory. This might take some thought. You might treat others in the same kind way that he treated you or plant a tree or donate to an animal shelter.
It seems, to me, that you may have gotten lost in a sort of perpetual 'woe is me' self pitying grief. This isn't a good sort of grief. Good grief celebrates the life of the lost one and remembers the good things. Try reminding yourself, again and again, why you loved him... and that he is gone... and you were lucky enough to have him in your life for 5 years almost 1/3 of your life. Of course, he made an impression. Of course, you will always remember him.
You are a young woman. While grieving for 3 years isn't unusual, it is time you cherish the time you had with him, learn from that love, and get ready to move on. Standing as a monument to a corpse shouldn't be a lifelong goal. It serves no one. You have more to give in life. Explore what that might be.
You are a young woman. It's possible that death hasn't affected you more than this once. As an old woman who has endured the death of many, among them my father, husband, mother, father-in-law, sister, I can tell you that, in time, you learn to move on knowing the permanence of death. You still grieve.
I hope I've been of comfort and offered new direction. Accept that once in a while you will remember Johnathan. It is okay. Write again anytime.