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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: In a Break-Up-Make-Up Cycle
Letter #: 391248
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year. We've broken up at least 15 times, but have always gotten back together within 3 days after experiencing painful situations involving trying to move onto another person. We bicker and fight constantly. We don't necessarily live together, but we're in college together and our dorms are right down the hallways from each other so we're always together all day and night. We have multiple problems involving money, insecurity, and sexual activities. She doesn't want to have sex as much as she used to. Now when she does do it, it's probably once a month, and she seems like she's forcing herself to do it. It's very difficult for me to deal with being that I have a high sex drive. Every time we break up we say hurtful things to each other such as "I stopped loving you a long time ago". She claims that she hates my family, and I know that they don't approve of her because of how she treats me.

What keeps us going is the love that we do feel for each other when times like this rent happening.. we laugh a lot, kiss a lot and constantly tell each other that we love the other and can't wait to marry. I really love this girl. I just need to know how to make it last because we're nearing the end and I don't know if either of us could take it.

Elder Response

Jendy, do you know what the divorce rate is in the USA? Last time I checked, it was upwards of 40-50 percent. And my guess is MOST of these couples didn't break up 15 times in their first year together.

I mean, put your emotions aside for a moment: why would anyone assume a couple that parted ways 15 times ....OVER A PERIOD OF 12 MONTHS .... would  be able to make a marriage work?

On top of that, you don't appear to get a long sexually and fight constantly.

I focus on the negative side (based on what YOU have provided me) because, well, your match seems dreadfully flawed. Your feelings for this person are obviously distorting your vision of what's happening. On the other hand, your anxiety about the relationship prompted you to get another opinion.

Well, I think my reaction is pretty clear, Jendy. I know some relationships work because both partners are different. You know- the opposites attract concept.  Relationships that last are based on shared interests, values as well as a healthy dose of life experience and maturity.

My guess is that both of you would be well served to see other people in a effort to grow socially so if- one day- you decide to make real commitments to each other- that you will do so knowing more about yourselves and the world around you.

I know making that break when you live in such close proximity together will not be easy, but then the fight/make-up pattern is not easy either. Would you agree, Jendy? In my experience, the best way to break a pattern is to set a small goal first. In your case, that goal might be telling your friend you need to take a two week break from her. That means little if no contact, no sex and no formal activity. At the end of two weeks, see how things are and then try for one month. 

Now, I could be reading your situation all wrong. Based on what you've said, though, you owe it to yourself to focus on your studies, meeting other people and taking care not to commit to a relationship that has all the makings  of a emotional disaster, both short and long term.

Jendy, was this helpful? Hope so. Now, go forth and give yourself a chance to SEE beyond this loop you are in.

Best Regards,



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