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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FAMILY: Tell Dad That Mom Is Cheating?
Letter #: 392169
Category: Family

Original Letter

I and 22 years old married with a 11 month old daughter. I currently live at my parents house. My dad works as a contractor in Afghanistan and has been for 7 years now. My dad is a good person and my best friend. Me and my mom get along but I disagree with a lot of things she does. She has not had a job for 15 years now. She's 45 years old. She spends all my dad's money while he is away, living pay check to pay check while my dad earns $100,000+ a year. She goes on vacations, shopping almost every day and complains when she has to spend money on her other kids. I recently found out she has been cheating on my dad. He gets back soon. Should I wait to tell him when he is home? Or tell him while is is overseas??

Elder Response

I am sorry you are struggling with this, Lynn, but you shouldn't tell him at all. It's none of your business. Put yourself in your mom's place, or your dad's for that matter. How would you feel if one of your friends stuck their nose into your business. It's particularly annoying when your children try to interfere, even if they are right. 

Lynn, I would bet you that your dad already knows, or at least he suspects. He certainly knows that she has not had a job  for 15 years and she spends all his money. Apparently, he is willing to put up with it. If you stick your nose into it. I guarantee that both of your parents will end up angry with you. You need to trust your dad's judgment. You have no idea what kind of understanding they have between the two of them. For that matter, have you actually seen your mother having sex with another man? Remember, things are rarely as they seem. You say that you and your mother get along. I guarantee that won't be the case if you tell on her. So, your dad divorces her and goes back to Afghanistan. Where does that leave you?

I suggest that you keep your opinions to yourself and see what happens. If your dad asks you a direct question like, "Is your mom cheating on me"?, I suggest you say something like, "I don't know dad. She goes out sometimes. I don't know where she goes. Why don't you ask her"? If you honestly think your dad is clueless, then you might say something to your mom before he comes home. Why don't you ask her if she intends to divorce him. 

Lynn, I know that you love your dad but ask yourself exactly how it will help him or make his life better if you tell him. Even if she is cheating on him and he divorces her, she still gets half of everything. Is that going to make his life better? And you have no idea what he might be up to while he's in Afghanistan. You have no idea what kind of understanding he may have with your mother. It's not something either one would discuss with you. You may not approve of your mother, but obviously he does, or at least he has for a lot of years. It's not your place to judge. Let them work it out. If you can't stand to be around this, then you should move out and get a place of your own where you won't know what they are up to. Trust me, dear. If you "tattle" on your mother, I believe you will live to regret it. 

Good luck, dear. Please write again if we can help. 

Best Regards,

Grammy-Annie


    

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