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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: How do I get over him?
Letter #: 392551
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Im currently retaking college since not getting the grades I needed last year. However I end up meeting this guy and recently coming out of a short lasting relationship, he gave me the strength to overcome my greif. Except spending time with him now led to me getting feelings for him. This didn't affect our friendship, in fact with the way he was talking to me I began to feel he also liked me back. 

But now this boy he's begun ignoring me when we see each other at college. He'll just stare and walk past me as if I don't exist. I tried texting him but with no replies from him, this has been going on for some time and now my feelings have gotten so strong for this boy. Its making me miserable and very insecure about myself. Im unable to focus on my studies or anything in that case. 

I put in a lot of time and effort for this boy and to know he won't even care enough to reply to my text just breaks my heart. Its almost broken my self confidence as I feel its probably me who was never good enough for him. Ive been trying to get over him but its proving a challenge. I have no idea what to do with myself any more

Elder Response

Let me begin, Rukhsaar, by telling you a lot of things that you already know, but probably need to be reminded of: just because you fall in love with someone, it doesn't mean that he has to love you back. It has nothing to do with your being "good enough" for him -- or for anyone else -- it just means that it wasn't a fit. And he's probably doing the best thing by not responding to you; he's not giving you encouragement to continue hoping for a relationship that isn't going to happen. It would be cruel for him to keep on talking with you, giving you mixed messages about whether he's interested in you romantically. He's saying that it won't be a relationship, and that you need to look elsewhere.

Okay, so what do you do about it? I do have some suggestions.

1. Accept the fact that this guy is not, and never will be, your boyfriend. I know that sounds harsh, but until you put out that little flame of hope that you're cherishing, deep in your heart, it's going to be very difficult to move on.

2. Recognize that you're going through a period of grieving. Doesn't matter how long or short the relationship was, or how much was real and how much was fantasy; you've lost something that was important to you and it will take time to heal from the loss. Give yourself that time.

3. Take care of yourself physically. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, exercise sensibly. Misery thrives in a neglected body.

4. Keep busy. Don't sit around staring at the TV and thinking about how much you want to be with him. Set some clear goals (small, reachable ones) for yourself every day, and then do what you need to do to reach them.

5. Use your friends for support. This is a time when hanging out with friends is especially important.

6. Be your own best friend. Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Don't call yourself names. Say to yourself the kinds of things that you need to hear from others -- including the things you've needed to hear from the "big people" in your life while you were growing up. Even if it sounds silly, there's a piece of you inside that will respond to those messages, and as that happens your self-confidence will begin to grow.

It really sucks to have something like this happen, especially at holiday time. I'm sorry you're having to experience such pain. The only good news is that it does go away; you do heal; and there are thousands of other guys out there who will want to have a relationship with you and will treat you with the love and caring that you deserve. Trust me on that one, even though it doesn't feel like it right now!

Thanks for writing to us, and do write back any time. I'd like to hear from you again. And, as best you can, have a happy Christmas --

Best Regards,



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