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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FAMILY: Mom Won't Let Me Date Until College!
Letter #: 394001
Category: Family

Original Letter

Dear Elder, So my parents are really overprotective about basically everything. I've been hanging out with a boy that I've liked, and he likes me too. We've been close to dating each other and he was going to be my first boyfriend. It was going good. But then my mom asked me to talk with her. She said my 14th birthday was coming up and she wanted to talk to me about boys. (just so you know I haven't told her about the guy I was hanging out with) My mom said that I wasn't allowed to date any boys until I went to college. I wanted to tell her the truth, but then she said if I got a boyfriend now, she wouldn't love me anymore, and that I was all on my own. I would've thought that she was joking about the 'not loving me' part if she didn't have the most serious face during that conversation. Of course, I kept my soon-to-be-boyfriend a secret. But it seems like so much pressure to hide something big from my mom. I could tell the guy that I'm not allowed to date, but I really like him. OKAY I lOVE HIM Still, what should I do? Is there a way to calm down my mom and convince her to let me date earlier than 21? By the way, I'm 13. Please reply! Alysha

Elder Response

Many parents are overprotective, especially with young teens. Age 18  (which is the usual age to start college) to start dating is really not realistic, but so is dating at thirteen. 

You are attracted to this boy, and like him, but no way are you really ready to say it's love. Love requires more maturity. Like can often be mistaken as love. You are really too young to date, and you need to tell him that you aren't allowed to.

What's most important, however, is how to maintain a good relationship with your mother, Alysha. I would hope you have a serious conversation with your Mom. Tell her that you know you're not allowed to date yet, but there is a boy that you like, as a friend. Please tell her you would like to always be able to confide in her. Hopefully, she'll be open to this.

A discussion of when you can start dating can be done when you are a little older - like in high school. In the meantime,  confiding in her and earning her trust should be your goal.

Parents who care want to protect their children from making mistakes, and being hurt. How much independence to let each child have is an agonizing decision. You never know if you've made the right decision.

I do hope this helps, even if it's not the advice you really wanted. 

You have plenty of time ahead of you for dating. Making friends now is what is important, in addition to nurturing a close relationship with your Mom.

Best Regards,



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