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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Become More Than Friends with a Man-Whore?
Letter #: 394948
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I am a 14 year old girl and I have a lot of crap going on in my life, but right now I'm going to mainly focus on my "friend" Jaden. I put quotes around friend because recently we have talked about becoming more. the only problem is that he's known for being a man-whore. it sounds awful but its true as much as I hate to say it. he also has a past of drugs. he has recently stoped smoking and drinking to please me but he always tells me that he wants to be more than friends. he tells me like once a day that were going to get married and have kids one day. at first it made me really uncomfortable but the more that I put myself in his shoes the more I realized that I'm his support system. he's incredibly suicidal and unstable at times. I'm the only thing thats keeping hime together. me and him have known each other since birth and have been friends since then. it really upsets me to see him like this and I've told him all of this. 

I have a crush on him and he likes me so I told him and keep in mind he as been trying to get me to like him for two years but when I told him he kinda acted weird then hung up the phone after like two minutes of talking. the more that I type this the more I realize how much a a terrible person he sounds like but he actually is a really nice guy who comes from a great family. I'm just worried that if we do get together that he's going to cheat once or something worse. I know the if we date now we won't break up for a long time because of use being friend forever, I'm just worried about him and our relationship.

Elder Response

You are writing to the Elder Wisdom Circle, Ella, because you would like to get an opinion from someone who is older and (hopefully) wiser than yourself. In other words, someone who has been there and done that and can express to you advice based upon our experience. I will be happy to give you my opinion, but you need to remember that I don’t know you or anyone else you are writing about. The only information I have to go on is what you have written. Having said that, I know you are not going to like what I write, but here’s what I think.

Right now, you barely have a working friendship, even though you’ve know each other for most of your life. He may be a very nice guy, at times. He may be a very nice guy most of the time. But what you have written is all about red flags of danger. If you decide to invest more of yourself into this relationship than you already have, I can make the following promises:

  1. You will get hurt.
  2. He will eventually try to manipulate (control) you. Who you see, what you do, etc. Whether or not he succeeds depends upon your strength, but the question here is: Why would you even put yourself in that position?
  3. You will get hurt.
  4. Lastly, in case I didn’t mention it, you will get hurt.

By a “man-whore”, I assume you mean he likes to be with different girls. I assume he is older than 14. If yes, you need to stay away from him. If he is also 14, and has a history of drugs, alcohol and smoking, then he needs some serious professional help.

What especially bothers me is your description of how he is suicidal and barely holding himself together. People like that like to manipulate other people. “If you don’t [fill in the blank] I’ll kill myself.” This is way more common than you would believe, and you are not going to be able to deal with it. If your assessment of him in this regard is true, you are neither trained nor are you capable of helping him. The reason you believe he “needs” you is because you are 14. If your assessment is accurate, he needs professional help, and I suggest you don’t get any closer with him until he not only gets the help, but has straightened himself out with this help. Otherwise, I promise you, you will get hurt.

I hope what I’ve written helps you, Ella, even if it’s only a little bit. I hope things work out for you. Feel free to write us back if you ever need advice in the future. Good luck.

Best Regards,

Splotch


    

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