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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Cruel Words Are Stuck In My Head
Letter #: 395288
Category: Self-Improvement

Original Letter

Hello, i don't know who i'm talking to or even who this email is going too but i need help. Its not anything important to be honest your probably wasting your time reading this now. I'm 17 now and I've always been confident since i was 12 recently i don't feel the same. I normally ignore what everyone else has to say and block it out but its starting to get stuck in my head now. I'm not the type to care about what people think but when it comes out of someones you loves mouth it hurts. 

Theres this boy &' We've known eachother since we were 11 and now we got into an argument and he said what he truely felt about me. He said i'm ugly, fat and spotty and no hoes get wifed. He said all he ever wanted me for was either money, weed or oral sex. And that most people talked to me to waste time. He also said i'm not loved by noone but my mom and that my dad left so he should to. He kept telling me how if my own dad didnt stay in my life why abyone else would and the more i think of it the more i believe its true. 

I look at myself in the mirror an see someone fat an ugly who really isnt shit but a girl with long hair. I see othergirls and see how pretty they are and then look at myself and think oh. He really was right. I've had a friend who suffered from depression and i don't wanna go there. I don't wanna reach that point but every time i see him what he said flashes back and i feel hurt all over again. He apologised now but those words are stuck in my mind. I don't wanna stay insecure but dont know how to make myself look decent either atleasr in my own eyes and it makes me so sad. I dont want to spend my life as a failure who turned into a bigger failure but i cant help but to think thats what mt futures going to be like. I done bad in my exams now i'm going to be in college for exrea long and extra lonely too. 

I try focus on myself but its hard. I've tried dieting but i always fail and ontop of that there reallt isnt anything i can do about my face ans i'm just so sad. Everyone i get close to let me down. They either put me down or use me untill i feel like thats the only thing i'm there for. Giving and receiving fake love in return just to get it shoved back into my face. 

I hate the thoughts in my head but i really dont know how to make them stop

Elder Response

Unfortunately it is much easier to tell people what is "wrong" with them than it is to tell them what is "good" about them. Doing so allows critics to believe that they are better than you. Those who make judgments about others rarely make the same about themselves. As teenagers we are (in my case were!) most susceptible to giving and receiving this cruel treatment. At that age we often do not have good habits developed i.e. healthy eating, exercise, study habits, good and positive people around us. So when someone criticizes us there may be an element of truth that hurts and no offer of assistance to help us. So we are left with bad thoughts about ourselves and less motivation to try to do something about it.

Alisha, going to college gives you a great chance to move away from the part of you that you want to change and to start changing into the person you want to be. New environment, new people around you, the many resources that colleges have-all these things can help you if you are open to changing. And I think you are! You want to lose weight? Be realistic  and try to have a little success every day.  When I was your age, I had a bad self-image because of my weight. I realized two things. One, three meals a day were wrong for me-one meal was better. Two, I thought I was not lazy but I was. I needed to get exercise (mostly walking every day). That started a good process that I still work at every day. It did not transform me into a handsome guy but the weight loss started  me to think differently about myself. Just changing where you live gives you these and more opportunities to change. Don't like how your hair looks? Get it cut. The critics from high school no longer are around you. Experimenting with diet and appearance without critics gives you a chance to begin to re-build your confidence. Commit to a new program that you define (not defined by someone else!) for two weeks and judge for yourself. I think you will see a new, more confident person emerging because you will be more in control of your life. 

Going to college also gives you opportunities to explore what interests you. Women's rights? There are organizations, volunteer options AND people with whom to share your interests. Joining a group who shares the same career goals as you? The department of your major should have that organization. You get the idea? The point is to join, to meet new people, and to show yourself by your involvement that people will value you for the person you are and also for the person you are becoming!

Finally, part of the person who you will become has to do with the fields of study that you undertake. College majors that lead to jobs are critical but also electives give you a chance to learn through studying history, different languages and cultures and human behavior. The key is to utilize the many resources that the school and its teachers and its students have. From your involvement in college life, you will make new, good friends and have many healthy relationships.

Alisha, be open to changing yourself a little at a time into that person whom you will feel good about.  Leave the old you at high school!

Best Regards,

Dirk


    

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