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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

MARRIAGE: Husband Mistakenly Thinks I Planned to Cheat
Letter #: 397326
Category: Marriage

Original Letter

Long story short as I can my husband saw text message exchange between myself and a co worker from another area I have met twice and thinks I tried cheating or planned to. Coworker joke for me to come out with the group after work the two times I have met him. I said yes no intentions of going and I didn't. When the bugged me I said next time. (I always want to get home) This became a joke. He joked about me being his work wifey, he has work husbands girlfriends all of it. He is a huge flirt with men women common workplace knowledge. We have exchanged messages through out the year joking about meeting at work events. no intention of ever doing so. 

My last work meeting away I message if he was coming. He said how about tomorrow he will stop for tequila what hotel. The next day i message eta fully knowing He was not coming he said sorry he would but has a meeting next time we will party twice as hard. ( aw dang next time)I have never been alone with this person, nor do I ever plan to and I am not attracted to him. It was all jokes with no intent. Now my husband thinks I planned cheating on him. I did not nor would I. I don't delete texts I have nothing to hid my phone is unlocked and my husband has my work phone password. He says he has lost all trust and does not believe a thing. I messaged the co worker " I apologize if my messages or our conversation have ever been suggestive or flirty it they were that was not at all what I want anyone to think or assume" he said thought it was all kidding. Then I blocked him. 

My husband will not talk to me and says he has lost all trust and I was trying to cheat. I love my husband. I love my family, I realize his point of view it looks bad but I was not thinking and carried into the joke. The coworker carries on like this with everyone to a much further extent. I was not thinking of any of it as literal was all joking around my husband has access to my phones and I never hid anything. How do I save my marriage I love my husband i am loyal to him everything I do is for him and kids. Work home clean cook family time repeat. He is my best friend my soul mate. I have apologized to him and said I realize how the conversation looks but it was all jokes and I never had any intent of ever hanging out. My husband is hurt mad and says he will never get it out of his head and will never believe me.

Elder Response

It is no wonder you are distraught.  It is evident to me that you love your husband very much and had no idea that your texts would lead to such agonizing consequences.  

At the same time, it is understandable that your husband jumped to the wrong conclusion.  I remember my dad telling me that he never flirted because flirting leads to other things.    Your flirting was innocent, but that typically is how affairs start.   Most romantic relationships start with teasing banter.  

If you husband hasn’t mentioned divorce, I think that time will eventually mend his wounds.  You apologized, explained the situation, and blocked your coworker, so now you need to be patient and give him time to heal.   I’m sure he wants to believe you.  All you can do is show him through your actions that you truly love him. Reassure him through your words that he is your soulmate, but make sure your timing is right and that you don’t overdo it.   If he doesn’t start talking to you before long, then I would suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor.  

Tiny, it is also important not to be hard on yourself.  You didn’t intend to have an affair. You have a good heart.   Don’t despair and don’t focus on this situation.  Do your best not to let it constantly bother you.  Try to stay focused at work and with your kids.  No matter how bad you feel, it won’t make your husband feel better. 

Have faith that you and your husband will get beyond this.  Even though you can’t see energy, it is real and powerful.  Before you fall asleep each night and when you wake up, mentally send your husband love.  I’ve found that when actions fail me, working on an energetic level gradually changes the dynamics of the situation in a very positive way.   Sending good thoughts your way.   I’m happy to talk with you further if I can be of more help.  

Best Regards,

Ms.Mary


    

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