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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Feeling Stuck In Relationship Due to Money
Letter #: 397630
Category: Other

Original Letter

I moved to Newcastle, about a 7 hours drive from my home in Devon to live with my Boyfriend. I quit my job and had to find a new one once I moved up here. For the first couple months I was jobless/waiting to get paid and took out high interest loans. I was soon left with nothing after getting paid each month and would rely on more to bridge the gap until payday. I have sorted a DMP and now I pay roughly £300 a month to clear my £5k debt. 

My boyfriend was/is still on a low wage and lacks ambition to look for another job. He is comfortable letting me bail him out with the little money I have left and I also have to pay the food bill each month as well as more than half my share in rent and utility bills. I even pay his phone contract for him. I wouldn't mind I really wouldn't if he was actually a nice caring boyfriend who showed affection and appreciation to me, even a little drive to sort him self but he hasn't. The real problem is we argue and bicker a lot. Mainly because of his aggressive behaviour towards me and inability to basically grow up and sort himself out. 

I feel trapped here, I want to leave but I can't move back home as I would have to potentially wait a couple weeks/months for a new job. I can't afford to do that with being on a DMP. I wouldn't be able to offer them anything whilst I found a new job. My parents or family can't lend me the money either as they are broke. Besides from that I love my current job and feel as though I could really go far there and I love the city of Newcastle. However outside of work I have no social Life/Friends (and no idea how/confidence to make them) and also I can't afford rent on my own. 

I know I sound like I'm looking at the glass half empty, being super negative but I feel like I need some advise what you would do or some positivity?

Elder Response

I know you feel stuck, Shannon, but you really aren't. On the negative side, you want out of your relationship with your boyfriend but, you don't feel you can afford to make it on your own. On the positive side, you love your current job and feel that it has potential for advancement. You also love the new city where you are living. This is great news. All you really need is to figure out is how to keep the job you love and stay in the city you love on your own.

It sounds like you are spending a lot of your earnings on supporting your boyfriend. If you went out on your own you would have more money to cover your expenses. Starting over on your own may be tough for awhile, but once you pay off your debt, things will get better for you financially. Put yourself out there in social situations, make friends and things will get better for you socially. 

You say you can't afford rent on your own. What about sharing an apartment with one or more roommates? Or, maybe renting a room in someone's house, which would be much less expensive than an apartment. Ask co-workers if they know of anyone seeking a roommate, place a posting for a roommate or a room on the employee bulletin board. Check online postings for roommates and rooms for rent. Keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities.

Bottom line, I don't think you should stay with someone because you think you have to. You really don't have to. Make new friends and build a career for yourself in your new city. You can do it on your own.

Best Regards,

June-Bug


    

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