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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Relationship - and my life - is deteriorating
Letter #: 398223
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Hello my name is Phyllis and I have been in a relationship for almost 6 months and at the brginning i didnt think he was real because my last relationship last for 3 years it was a pretty bad break up. Once me and my new current boyfriend got to together because what I went thru I started conversation with other people but that was it I ended them quick cuz I knew I wanted to be with him. 

Well he found out and he said he forgave me but we have been struggling cuz he have no job but he have a lawsuits coming in and every since then we have had so many arguments since we have been separated and Facebook is a big part of that. I walked out of my job to be with him and once it was settled for us to move away but now I feel like I regret i so around waiting on him and our communication is so bad he doesn't answer my calls or text but every once in a while because he is always running the streets 

i really dont know what to do and the more I sit around with no money I get very depressed and I'm tired of crying. What do i do how can i make this work between me and him and for him to know I really do love him and only want to be with him. Please help me

Elder Response

Though you’ve just been together with your current boyfriend for six months, you’ve run into big problems. As I understand it, you talked to other guys but did not get intimately involved with any of them. You wrote that he forgave you, though in my opinion, Phyllis, you did not actually betray him since this happened early on in your relationship. You cared for him enough to quit your job so you could move away. Now you regret your decision because your relationship has deteriorated. Not only do you argue, but he does not respond to your texts nor answer when you call. He has no job, is waiting for lawsuits to be settled and is always running the streets.

It’s totally understandable that you have become depressed. In addition to the problems in your relationship, you have no money. Even with these problems, you still love him and hope you can do something to make it work out. A relationship requires an emotional investment by both people. His actions indicate that he’s not willing to do that. So even though you try hard, he gives less and less. When you first started going out with him, you had a hard time believing he was real. I’m afraid that maybe he’s not. 

I think it’s time for you to get back in charge of your life by getting a job and supporting yourself. You do not need to support him financially, and I think it would be a mistake for you to do so. Perhaps by showing your independence, he will realize that you’re not going to sit around and wait for him. He may realize that you are not a push over, but a strong woman, and decide to step up and treat you like he did when you first got together.

Though that is a possibility, I’m not confident it will happen, Phyllis. You may need to accept that he is not the man you thought he was and let him go. If he does not value you, it’s essential you value yourself. You deserve to be with someone who will also value you and show you that by the way he treats you. Please don’t settle for the little you’re getting now.

Best Regards,



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