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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Will It Always Be Heartache and BS?
Letter #: 398242
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Hello, well.. I need advice on whether or not to leave my fiancĂ©. We've been together for about 2 years and engaged for about 2 months. for the last 10 months he's left state 3 different times to find someone for us to finally call home. But every time except this last time we've broken up. The first time was to further his education which he failed at, the second time was to see his kids but he ended up leaving for me. (I didn't want him to leave he did that soul based on his wants) we've gotten back together about a month or a few weeks after each break up. 

The problem isn't that we don't love each other the problem is that I'm the only one who can and wants to work past out complications. This last time he flat out said that he doesn't know when he'll see me and that what he's doing right now is what he wants so I said that when were engaged its not about just you, its about us. If you truly feel and think that way then you need to be single and realize what it means to be with someone. I don't know if I should give him more time and believe that we'll end up somewhere together for good or if it will always be heart ache and BS. he's still leaving even with what I said.

Elder Response

Tatoe, thank you for reaching out to us at this crucial time. You know there is a well known phrase used to describe the beginning of a relationship which means that now right at the start everything is good, it is called 'the honeymoon period'. Now you are in the time of the 'honeymoon period', newly engaged and supposedly looking forward to marriage and yet all you describe are pretty big difficulties and no means of putting them right together. In simple commonsense terms if 'the honeymoon period' is tricky what then will it be like when the going gets tough? Because one thing is for sure, there are times in a marriage when life is tough and you wonder if you will make it through.

Second as you rightly say, a marriage takes two people dedicated to one other and to the marriage to make it work. One person cannot do it alone, it is a 'game for two players'. Not one observer and one player, both have to give it 100%, when they do so then it can work, if they don't then you have a problem from the start. You say he is not interested in anyone but himself. That is not a good sign.

Finally whilst love is not the be all and end all of a relationship it does help a lot if it is in there somewhere, and you say it is not.  

So reading your words carefully there is not a lot to encourage you into this marriage. You seem to know this yourself because you keep on breaking up and then make the mistake of getting back together again. You deserve more, much more than you are describing. If he does not value you for who you are now right at the start of things then it is unlikely to get better. You know what marriage will require of you, he seems not to, that makes him pretty poor husband material. So to answer your question I'd be quite honest and say look for someone better suited to you and to marriage. If you go with this one then on the pattern you describe you face a hard, lonely future.

Do please come back to us if you want to ask more about this or any other topic, you will always be very welcome. 


Best Regards,



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