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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FRIENDSHIP: Upset About Friend's Lack of Manners
Letter #: 401181
Category: Friendship

Original Letter

Lately, I've been a little bothered by my friend, Corey's lack of manners. In the past, he used to be on top of it, but for a while now he's seemed to lack them. Let me paint you a picture to understand what I mean by his lack of manners.

When we hang out I will sometimes pay for him or if he sends me a picture in a text message of a new look he's put together or a new hair cut or I compliment his musical talents when he shares videos of himself playing. I noticed he doesn't say, 'Thank you.' He used to in the past when I did those things and currently he doesn't and it does bother me. It makes me feel unappreciated when he doesn't acknowledge the things I do or compliment him.

Is there a way to bring this up to him without offending him, how can I word it? I understand sometimes people forget to use their manners and that's fine if it's not always said each time, but when it's been a long time it does make me wonder if he appreciates it or not. I always tell him 'thank you' if he's done something nice for me & how much I appreciate it or paid for me if I am tight on money. I never forget to thank someone for their generosity. I just wish he'd do the same. Thanks, for your input.

Elder Response

Communication is important, Lauren.

Just tell him how you feel and how you miss his former polite manners towards you jus as you explained it in this message. Don't be judgmental. I recommend you use the "I" approach.

This is how you can use the "I" approach: I feel sad because you are not courteous towards me like you used to.

This approach does not put intent in his actions. You are telling him how you feel when he behaves a certain way. When you do not put intent in his behavior, it is less likely he will become defensive. If instead you say "You have become a jerk towards me", he will become defensive.

I hope this reply helped you. Feel free to write for further advice and we always welcome your feedback to let us know how you are doing. I hope it all works out for you and your friend.

Best Regards,



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