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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

MARRIAGE: Regret Saying Yes to His Marriage Proposal
Letter #: 402587
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

So I need help with my relationship. I have been engaged for about six months and in a relationship for about 2 1/2 years. We live together, but I want out. About eight months ago, I realized I didn't want to be in this relationship anymore. There was no physical attraction and we didn't connect emotionally or intellectually as well. After realizing this, we decided to take a break which was his idea not mine. I was Breaking up, but he wanted me to at least try. He decided to go stay with a friend for a week and see what happened after that. After that week went by, I still felt the same. He, on the other hand missed the relationship and wanted to come back. We ended up staying together to see where it would go and about a month after that he proposed. I wanted to nicely tell him that I would think about it, but my 13-year-old son was home and present during the proposal. I couldn't let my son see that kind of reaction from me. So I said yes. Now I'm at a point where I am definitely sure that I don't want to be in this relationship. There's no attraction on my end! I'm not happy at all. What makes me happy is being around my son, my friends and even work! Anything not involving my own fiancé. It sounds so mean, but I don't know what else to do at this point. I have tried to work it out and see where things go and they go nowhere. There still is no attraction.

Elder Response

     There is only one right answer here, Cp. That answer is to break it off. No matter how hard it is, or how much you hate to hurt him, you are doing him no favor to stay. In the long run, you will harm the relationship and your own mental health. 

     While you don't have to be brutally honest with him when telling him you want out, if he has trouble letting go you will need to tell him you have no attraction to him, and that each of you deserves to be in a relationship where there is a mutual physical attraction.

     The fact that you have a thirteen year old son means you have to think of him as well. The last thing he needs is to have a mother and a stepfather in what will be a loveless marriage. He deserves better, too.

     While physical attraction is not all that holds a marriage together, it is what lets two people be more than relatives or friends.It cements their love and respect in their own eyes. Without that, in the long run, this relationship will be like living with a relative or friend. You may love him, but you won't have a unique binding relationship that keeps the relationship going when other things get tough. Good luck in doing a difficult but necessary thing!

Best Regards,

Tutu-Debbie


    

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