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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: He's Back With His Ex, But I Can't Let Him Go
Letter #: 403054
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

Good afternoon. Would like some advice and support from someone who isn't involved in what a mess my life is just now. 

I'll start from the beginning. Before I met my ex partner he was with an older woman about 18 months before he met me for around a year. From my knowledge they split because she branded my ex a compulsive liar etc and swore blind she would never go near him again , that she had a boyfriend and wasn't interested. My ex and i split up about 1t months ago bit were somewhat trying to make a go of things right up until December of last year. All that stopped in January of this year and now I see it's because he had gotten back together with this ex if his 7 years after they originally split up! From What I know they have been together since January and i have only found out this week. 

I am absolutely gutted. I had always had a hope of us getting back together as we have a 4 year old daughter together so it's not so hard to forget about him when I have to see him. He has swore we will never get back together, he doesn't fancy me and doesn't have any feelings for me. But I'm beside myself. Why her? Why now? Why after everything she said has she suddenly decided giving their past relationship another go?? He has blocked my number now and won't answer any questions about anything but he seems to be serious about her and her, serious about him. I always hoped we would get back together. Now I see that will never happen and it's the source of my anxiety. I'm not sleeping, eating, crying all the time and my life is generally panicky.please help

Elder Response

Nicola, you have reached a dark place that may seem impossible to escape but with the help of friends and perhaps professional counseling I think you will be able to make a go of things.

Your first action is to move ahead with your life.  If your facts are accurate your ex-husband no longer wants to be part of your life.  He's blocked your phone!  An observation about your daughter.  Are you saying your ex no longer wants anything to do with her?  If so, that is the most consequential thing he's saying to you.  Many troubled couples with children make an effort to remain together "for the sake of the kids".  Apparently not so in his case.  You say, "He has swore we will never get back together, he doesn't fancy me and doesn't have any feelings for me".  That pretty much says it all as far as he's concerned.  I can only conclude he has already moved on...back to his ex-girlfriend...and without your even knowing.  

I want you to consider several action items that can help you become the confident person you can be; and one who will set a wonderful example of what an independent woman can be.  It will be one of the best gifts you can give your daughter.

  1. Seek out a support group in your area for separated or divorced people with custody of their children.
  2. Parents are always a source of love and support in tough times like these.  Avail yourself of yours if appropriate.
  3. If you have or know of a minister, they can be of great assistance.  Most formally trained clergy do family counseling and are familiar with the issues.
  4. Seek out a professional counselor through your local mental health association or by recommendation from someone you trust.
  5. Your close friends love you and want the best for you.  They probably already know your story and have empathy for your situation.  If nothing else they will keep you encouraged and moving forward.  Ask them for that and give them permission to call your hand when you want to give up.
  6. Involve yourself with helping others less fortunate.  One of the best therapies for one who is self-absorbed in their worries is to volunteer somewhere; a homeless shelter, a food bank.  You simply need to focus on others rather than yourself.  I know your daughter requires most of your time but all parents, even single ones, NEED personal time.  This is your chance to serve yourself and your daughter by serving others.

Beating yourself up about WHY? WHY? WHY? serves no purpose to improve your station.  It does keep you mired in the quicksand of your relationship.  MOVE ON!  You need bolstering up, not crying "Woe is me" and throwing a pity party for yourself.  You're better than that.

There is a light at the end of your tunnel and it's not a train.  It's personal freedom and independence.  I sense very good things are about to happen for you.  Write back with comments or questions.

Best Regards,

Trip


    

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