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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

OTHER: Excited, But Anxious, To Move To New City
Letter #: 403713
Category: Career

Original Letter

I need a bit of guidance, as I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. About two months ago, I started a relationship with a woman I am in love with who lives near the coast of my state, which is about 5 hours away from my current city. It was always in my personal plan to attend a college in the city she lives in, and I intend to enroll in that University, though I am currently enrolled in a degree in my current city; though I have transferred to online college in order to finish my current degree remotely from the new city. Everything is going well between us, we have been friends for over 5 years, but just now started dating. My situation in my current city is not ideal as I live with my parents and am not in any way involved in the social settings of my city. I tend to dismiss my longing for companionship as a personal preference to be alone, but at the source I am very lonely and very depressed. It feels that the only time I do not experience depression is when I am in her city with her; no matter what we may be doing; running errands, shopping, working on studies; I don't experience a bit of sadness until I return to my city. 

As for the possibility of moving currently, I have my academic career transferred to online college; so I can finish my degree remotely. As for planning; I have applied to many different careers down in her city. I have also found my most desirable location for residency. So as everything seems to be in order for the move, I believe that leaving is the hardest part. There is very little that I will miss from my city, as I have been here all my life and have been ready to leave this area for years. The only obstacle I foresee is the possibility of my parents doing all that they can to halt my relocation; resulting in a discontinuation of my relationship as well as a discontinuation of my future career. 

I am asking for advice in talking to my parents on this issue; as they are very cynical and hypercritical of my every choice; though they give me the benefit of the doubt to begin with and then critique me regardless of failure. It is a very big decision, and honestly I am afraid to make it. Fear of failure is among my top anxieties; and any advice you can give about moving from one city to another; please let me know.

Elder Response

Your feelings are quite common for someone looking to relocate.  Sometimes change can cause anxiety  due to the number of unknowns about how the move will turn out.  Based on my own experience of having relocated from my home town after college I'll provide some thoughts and suggestions.

First, it seems to me that you have given the relocation some good, logical thought including transfering to an online college to finish your current degree plus enrolling in a college in the new city.

As long as you present this logical plan to your parents I would hope they would support your decision unless they come up with some good thoughts as to why you shouldn't relocate. Think about how to present your reasons  for relocating before discussing it with them. Do you have your own savings to pay for rent and other expenses in the new city or will you be depending on your parents for financial support?  If you will be depending on your parents, what will you do if they refuse to provide this support ?

The other item you need to think about is what happens if for some reason your relationship with your woman friend doesn't work out. You mentioned that although you have been friends for 5 years your romantical relationship has only begun 2 months ago. Have you discussed moving to her city with her and how has she reacted?  How would you feel about your relocation if the relationship ended ?  I bring up these questions not to put a damper on things  and not because I think you're being irrational, but to just stimulate you thinking about these possibilities.

Many changes in life can be a bit risky, but a fulfilling life often requires taking risks and handling the unknown.

Good luck!

Best Regards,



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