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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Don't Want My Boyfriend Looking at Porn
Letter #: 407659
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I'm a 22 year old girl and I have always hated porn and nudity in movies. When I know that I'm with a guy that has watched porn.. I feel uncomfortable. Is that wrong? Is porn bad? I'm sure everyone has their own opinion but am I crazy and strict for not liking it and thinking it's bad in a relationship? As for nudity in movies, is it wrong of me to not want my boyfriend to watch it because I don't feel like he needs to see several other naked women? What can I do to not feel so stressed about it?

Elder Response

You set your own boundaries, Briana.

Feelings are not right or wrong. They are subjective. If that is how you feel about porn and nudity, that is fine. The problem may arise in choosing who you want to be with. If that is how you feel about it, then you may need to find someone that shares the same values you have. To have a boyfriend that may like porn and watching nudity and also demand that he does not watch that is not good for a relationship.

You will have to decide whether you want to keep your boyfriend or not. He may go along with you for a while but eventually, he may decide to go his own way because he cannot go by your expectations. He may change because he may think you are worth him making changes in his life. The same applies to you. Each couple must set boundaries for their relationships. That includes compromises each can live with.

If you decide to compromise, look at him using what I call the whole person concept. Does he have good qualities and traits you believe outweigh watching porn and nudity in movies? If no, then leave him. If yes, then you may sit down and talk to him to see what compromise you can reach. Maybe he can view porn and nudity in movies without you so you don't feel bad.

As I said, each couple sets their own boundaries. Some couples do not have a problem with this. In other couples one does not mind if the other watches porn or nudity in movies. Other couples BOTH engage with this behavior. And some set a boundary when and where this is allowed, and others do not allow one or the other.

So you have two choices that I can see. Get a boyfriend that may share your values or stay with the one you have and accept him as he is.

If you decide to compromise, sit down with him and set the relationship boundaries. Along the way compromises have to be reached.

I recommend a couple of YouTube videos related to these two issues for you to consider if you decide to compromise with your boyfriend. I am not saying you will accept this behavior but they may help you cope better. The first one is entitled "He wants you" and the other "Men and the Power of Visual". They are from PragerU.

It looks that you will be stressed if you decide to leave him or if you accept him as he is. What is more beneficial to you in the long run? It is your call.

I hope this reply helped you. Don't hesitate writing for further advice. Also, we welcome your feedback to let us know how you are doing. I hope it all works out so you can be happy.

Best Regards,

Salvador


    

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