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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

Best friend hates new boyfriend
Letter #: 408279
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I'm dating this man; we have so much in common and get along great. He's exactly what I've been looking for and tells me I'm what he has been looking for as well. The only problem is he stood me up the other night. He tells me it was a mistake and we've gone out twice since and both times he was charming and sweet and attentive. This leads me to believe that it was actually a mistake. I trust him and trust myself that if it were to happen again I will drop him like a hot potato. The only issue now is that my best friend hates him because of this. She won't listen when I try to explain why he flaked and how he really is a good guy. I'm a pretty good judge of character and it's insulting and frustrating that she won't listen to me and is going to continue to blindly hate this guy. She is the number one person in my life though and I hate when she is mad at me, but I really can see a future with this guy. What should I do?

Elder Response

Brenna, from your letter it sounds like you’re approaching your relationship with this man with common sense and a level head.  You are allowing him a fair opportunity to redeem himself after standing you up, but know you will drop him if he does such a thing again. That’s realistic. We all make mistakes. Since you have learned to trust your own judgment on people and see such great potential in this relationship, I think you’ve done the right thing by giving him another chance.

It must be terribly frustrating to have your best friend, who you want to be happy for you, to be harboring such dislike for your significant other. However, there aren’t three people in this relationship. She doesn’t have a vote. If your boyfriend was violent or treated you poorly and she was trying to warn and protect you, then her feelings might be justified and worth considering. However, based on the situation you’ve described, it sounds like she is simply being close-minded.  What is important in this case is what you think, not what she thinks.

As long as you are convinced that he is a good guy and worth your time and attention, that’s all that matters.  My advice to you would be to have a conversation with your friend and establish some boundaries. Perhaps you might say something like, “(Name), you are my best friend and you know how important you are to me. But (boyfriend) is important to me too. He’s a great guy and I’m sorry you can’t see that. It hurts me that you hate him for the reason you do. I have forgiven him for his mistake and ask you one more time to do the same. I don’t want this to affect our friendship and am asking you to trust my judgment. If you can’t do that, let’s just agree to disagree on the issue of (boyfriend) and not discuss him again. Just be happy for me and let’s move on.”  If she persists in talking about him in a negative way, make it clear the issue is not up for discussion and don’t engage. Eventually, it’s likely she will keep her opinions to herself.

I hope you’ve found something I’ve written helpful, Brenna. Good luck with your friend and in your relationship, and thank you for writing to the EWC.

Best Regards,

Willow


    

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