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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

DATING/REATIONSHIPS: Reconnect with Ex-girlfriend?
Letter #: 408786
Category: Dating/Relationship

Original Letter

I recently ended a relationship with my now ex-girlfriend. I'm going to be going to college and figured since she was still in high school I should focus more on school. Also, I didn't think she was the one for me. Seven days later I texted my other ex from late January, someone who I missed more than I thought I would. Although I missed her, our relationship wasn't as healthy as it should be. There were times where she called me pathetic for my thoughts and was frustrated over my focus on homework. Deep down her care for me was deep and we did love each other, but I just couldn't do it. Here we are now and we both missed each other. I still really want to be around her and she proposed an idea to stay friends with extra benefits. My family and friends are skeptical and think it's not a smart idea and that I'm only thinking with my emotions. I feel stuck. 

Elder Response

In a situation like this, it's normal to feel "stuck".  And when we break up relationships it's easy to drift back into them in one form or another because we have a history with that person and we may not want to be alone. However, being alone for a time is exactly what we need in order to get our emotions unstuck and get us moving forward. 

You have college coming up and you are going to be busy with your studies and you'll need to focus. Having a friends-with-benefits relationship is not going to give you a solid relationship and will, in fact, keep you from developing a real, fulfilling one.  It will also distract you from your purpose of study.

Your friends and family are correct to be skeptical. If this relationship had issues before, it will continue to have issues over time, no matter what form it takes.  Please give it up and move on. You have a new future ahead of you, so please leave this girl behind. You might want to stay friends to see if anything changes over time, but do not get involved in any "benefits" as that will keep you emotionally attached to her and not allow you to move on.

Here's a tip that I used when dealing with relationships that helped me to sort things out more logically. Make two lists.  On the first list put the things you "must have" in a girlfriend.  For example, someone who supports your dreams and your work ethic, someone who relates to you well.  On the second list, put things that are "nice to have" traits.  This list would include things like: pretty, sweet, enjoys activities similar to what you like, etc.  By having these two lists, you'll be able to sort through what you REALLY must have and what is not as important.  

Now, look at your lists with this girl in mind. Does she match ALL your "must have" traits.  If not, then she is not the one for you and you are only wasting your time and your heart's energy.  Keep these lists updated as you go through college and learn more about yourself and what you want in your life.  Then, after you have a few dates with a woman, pull out the lists and match her up with your first list. If you see that she does not have your "must have" traits, do not waste your time, or hers, dating her. It's ok to stay friends, but leave your heart open for the person who has all your "must have" traits.  

This likely sounds very cold, but it is very helpful to separate your emotions and apply logic.  Of course, if you find a girl who matches every trait on your "must have" list, but you do not feel anything for her, then she is not the one for you also.  We need our logical minds and our heart's emotions, together, to make good choices regarding our relationships.

I wish you all the best in school and in your relationships. Please write us again if we can be of any further assistance. 

Best Regards,

G-ma-Ginny


    

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