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Recent Letter to the ElderWisdomCircle™

FAMILY: My sexuality and religion
Letter #: 409830
Category: Family

Original Letter

I need some advice. I think I might be pansexual. I am really attracted to gay men but not attracted to women or lesbian women, so do you think I identify as a pansexual? I took notice of this when I watched the tent scene from Brokeback Mountain just for fun, but after I watched it I was filled with emotion. This made me go to Google and I searched straight women attracted to gay men, and pansexual came up. If you think I am a pansexual, how do you think I should tell my family? I mentioned it briefly to my mom who's the most accepting one in the family, but she probably thought I was joking. My dad and brother, however, are really strong Christians and I don't think they would be accepting at all. They would say I'm only saying this to be different, but I honestly don't believe gay relationships are bad despite being raised in a Christian home. I just don't know how to really tell them.

Elder Response

My recommendation is to avoid labels as much as you can, Kathy.

In our present time there is a lot of concern regarding what we are. Why not concentrate on the inclinations we have? If you are attracted to men as you claim, follow men. It is a simple as that. Don't worry about the label. If I call the sky by another name, does that mean its make-up will change? No, not at all. The same applies to you. I can call you anything I want, but in the end what matters is your sexual orientation. That is the bottom line. However, if it is very important to you, go to a sexuality expert and find out what is the name for your inclination. You may get very confused though. Experts in the fields of sexual orientation and gender classification have a lot of debates regarding a lot of of the specifics.

Did you know that Facebook has listed over 50 gender choices for people that apply? Do you want to go over all of them with the possibility that you may not decide what it is?

This is what I suggest you can do. First, be clear of what is your sexual orientation. If you are attracted to women only, then look for women. If you are attracted to men only, look for men. If you are attracted to both, follow both. It does not matter what you are called, just follow your orientation.

As far as your family, I do not know your age. The older you are, I suppose the easier it is for you to be up-front. It depends how demanding your loved ones are, how strong are their expectations of those around them, etc.

If you think you can handle the pressure from your loved ones because they are passionate and expect compliance, let them know your views and orientation and stand your ground. If you think you can't handle it, you may decide to keep it to yourself until you are old enough to go on your own if they are too much to handle. Other people have followed that route. Every individual must decide how and when to handle it.

You do not state how strongly you believe and follow the Christian theology. If you have a serious view of Christianity, you may want to talk to a religious leader. Talk to him or her. See what he or she tells you. I have heard some sermons where they say you must treat and love all those around you regardless how sinful they may be. Others tend to be very condemning about other people's behavior that do not comply with Christian precepts.

I do remember a sermon of a religious leader when he said "Sinners gravitated to Jesus; figure that one out". He also said that Jesus associated with sinners. He felt that what was in their hearts was very important regardless of their behavior. He felt they could change their ways if he showed them the light. He condemned the Pharisees for being hypocritical. They may have been following the law, but that was not good enough for Jesus. He felt it was more important to know what is in their hearts. Think about this and talk to your religious leaders. Perhaps you may want to discuss these points with your family members.

I hope this reply helped you. Feel free to write for further advice. We also welcome your feedback to let us know how you're doing and see how effective our advice was. That makes us better to help others. I believe you have a good heart by trying to see the good in other people regardless of their behavior. I am proud of you. I hope it all works out for you.

 

Best Regards,

Salvador


    

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