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DATING/RELATIONSHIP: How do I get over him?

Im currently retaking college since not getting the grades I needed last year. However I end up meeting this guy and recently coming out of a short lasting relationship, he gave me the strength to overcome my greif. Except spending time with him now led to me getting feelings for him. This didn't affect our friendship, in fact with the way he was talking to me I began to feel he also liked me back. 

But now this boy he's begun ignoring me when we see each other at college. He'll just stare and walk past me as if I don't exist. I tried texting him but with no replies from him, this has been going on for some time and now my feelings have gotten so strong for this boy. Its making me miserable and very insecure about myself. Im unable to focus on my studies or anything in that case. 

I put in a lot of time and effort for this boy and to know he won't even care enough to reply to my text just breaks my heart. Its almost broken my self confidence as I feel its probably me who was never good enough for him. Ive been trying to get over him but its proving a challenge. I have no idea what to do with myself any more

Elder Response

Let me begin, Rukhsaar, by telling you a lot of things that you already know, but probably need to be reminded of: just because you fall in love with someone, it doesn't mean that he has to love you back. It has nothing to do with your being "good enough" for him -- or for anyone else -- it just means that it wasn't a fit. And he's probably doing the best thing by not responding to you; he's not giving you encouragement to continue hoping for a relationship that isn't going to happen. It would be cruel for him to keep on talking with you, giving you mixed messages about whether he's interested in you romantically. He's saying that it won't be a relationship, and that you need to look elsewhere.

Okay, so what do you do about it? I do have some suggestions.

1. Accept the fact that this guy is not, and never will be, your boyfriend. I know that sounds harsh, but until you put out that little flame of hope that you're cherishing, deep in your heart, it's going to be very difficult to move on.

2. Recognize that you're going through a period of grieving. Doesn't matter how long or short the relationship was, or how much was real and how much was fantasy; you've lost something that was important to you and it will take time to heal from the loss. Give yourself that time.

3. Take care of yourself physically. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, exercise sensibly. Misery thrives in a neglected body.

4. Keep busy. Don't sit around staring at the TV and thinking about how much you want to be with him. Set some clear goals (small, reachable ones) for yourself every day, and then do what you need to do to reach them.

5. Use your friends for support. This is a time when hanging out with friends is especially important.

6. Be your own best friend. Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Don't call yourself names. Say to yourself the kinds of things that you need to hear from others -- including the things you've needed to hear from the "big people" in your life while you were growing up. Even if it sounds silly, there's a piece of you inside that will respond to those messages, and as that happens your self-confidence will begin to grow.

It really sucks to have something like this happen, especially at holiday time. I'm sorry you're having to experience such pain. The only good news is that it does go away; you do heal; and there are thousands of other guys out there who will want to have a relationship with you and will treat you with the love and caring that you deserve. Trust me on that one, even though it doesn't feel like it right now!

Thanks for writing to us, and do write back any time. I'd like to hear from you again. And, as best you can, have a happy Christmas --



Letter ID Letter Title
392797 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Arguing About Every Little Thing
392551 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: How do I get over him?
392415 FRIENDSHIP: Grown Apart
392254 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Feeling Trapped
392169 FAMILY: Tell Dad That Mom Is Cheating?
392162 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Still In Love With Ex, But Dating Someone Else
392140 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Scared of the Future
391978 FAMILY: Why is my little sister so bratty?!
391906 OTHER: Charity Registry for a Wedding?
391619 CAREER: Go Back to Old Job, Or Keep Trying for New Job?
391607 MARRIAGE: Worried His Explosive Anger Will Turn Into Abuse
391362 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Work Anxiety and Low Self-Esteem
391248 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: In a Break-Up-Make-Up Cycle
391155 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Is Exercise Worth My Time?
390828 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Focus on My Relationship or Myself?
390754 SCHOOL: Community College or University?
390749 OTHER: Should I Keep the Lie Going?
390738 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Boyfriend Keeps Bringing Up My Weight
390619 FRIENDSHIP: Friend Is Involved with Married Woman
390616 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Worried My Flirting Broke Our Trust
390396 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Not Even Sure If He's Still Alive...
390384 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Can't Stop Thinking About Ex
390368 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Which Boy to Choose?
390343 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: In Love With My Best Friend
390293 SCHOOL: Coach Is Picking on Me
390201 CAREER: How to Further a Career in Art Therapy
390167 FRIENDSHIP: Feel Stupid For Staying Friends With Her
390107 SCHOOL: How Can I Make My Classmates More United?
390064 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: I like this Guy..But My Friend...
390040 FAMILY: Parents Won't Let Me Talk to My BF
389905 FRIENDSHIP: Haven't Talked in Months, Should I Go to Her Party?
389840 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Dating 5 Guys At Once Is Stressful
389824 FAMILY: Mother and Sister Don't Approve of My Fiance
389774 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: A Messed Up Situation
389665 OTHER: Grieving A Man I Loved
389480 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Should I Approach My Crush?
389239 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Constant fighting with bf
389229 SCHOOL: Nervous About Public Speaking In Class
389220 FAMILY: Sister-In-Law Is Horrible, Must I Attend Her Funeral?
389190 FAMILY: Religion Is Causing Family Problems
389152 CHILDREN: Losing Our Minds From Two-Year Old Crying
388532 OTHER: Torn Between My Bisexuality and My Christian Faith
388531 FRIENDSHIP: Does my friend care?
388530 CHILDREN: Motherhood in a May/December Marriage?
388487 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Roommate Is Flirting with My Boyfriend
388482 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: How Can Be Less Quick to Anger?
388477 MARRIAGE: Think I Married the Wrong Guy!
388401 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Relationship is Changing
388397 FRIENDSHIP: Worried Friend's Fiance Isn't Good for Him
388355 FAMILY: My Parents Are Homophobic
388236 FAMILY: Family trying to control me
388203 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Stay Friends With an Ex?
388180 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: No Texts for 25 Days
388116 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: I think I'm a lesbian, but I have a boyfriend
388085 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Does he just want a hook up?
387913 FAMILY: Parents Won't Let Me Have Fun
387779 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Making a Fresh Start After Breakup
387757 FAMILY: Telling My Family I'm a Lesbian
387743 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: I Keep Reliving the Trauma
387669 FAMILY: Help Me Help My Depressed Brother
387616 FAMILY: Mom is a victim of dating scam
387478 FAMILY: My Dysfunctional Family is Ruining my Relationship
387442 FAMILY: Mom Thinks Girlfriend Is Bad Influence, But It Was My Mistake
387170 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Is This Relationship Worth My Time?
387117 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: My Ex Seems Too Involved With His Other Ex
387105 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Is the Age Difference Too Much?
387066 FRIENDSHIP: Not Really Friends Anymore, Should I Wish Him Happy Birthday?
387031 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Want to Connect with People Better
386989 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Tell Her How I Feel, Or Wait?
386801 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: No Intimacy After the Baby
384869 CAREER: Should I Distance Myself From Co-workers?
384862 MARRIAGE: Worried Wife Is Not Attracted to Me
384792 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Am I Heading Towards an Abusive Relationship?
384742 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Get Her Trust Back
384737 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Quitting Bad Eating Habits
384684 FAMILY: Should I Cut Mom Out of My Life?
384658 FRIENDSHIP: Living with a difficult friend
384654 MARRIAGE: Husband Wants a Separation
384198 MARRIAGE: I Don't Think I Love My Husband
384153 FAMILY: Help Mom or Pursue College and Work?
384030 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Making the Initial Connection
384026 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Connecting with a Crush
383957 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Connect on Social Media
383956 FAMILY: Dating Behind Mom's Back Because She's Anti-Gay
383786 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: He Wants Me Back, But He's Still Cheating
383665 FAMILY: Future Monster-In-Law
383611 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: In Love with a Girl Who Has a Boyfriend
383602 FAMILY: Worried family won't accept me because I'm gay
383575 FAMILY: My parents are standing between me and my career
383566 MARRIAGE: She Wants Time Apart
383264 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Have No Idea What I Want to Do With My Life
383253 CAREER: Unsure What Direction to Take
383221 FAMILY: Torn Between My Divorced Parents
383086 FAMILY: Family Living With Me is Financial and Emotional Strain
383066 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Anxiety Is Holding Me Back
382982 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Should I Tell Him I Cheated?
382140 MARRIAGE: Attracted to Another Man
382128 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Boyfriend likes to embarrass me
382108 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Spent the Rent Money on Drugs
381971 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: He's Snapchatting Another Girl
380993 MARRIAGE: I Messed Up
380863 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: He Proposed, Then Said He Didn't Love Me Anymore
380828 FRIENDSHIP: Feeling Excluded by the Group
380508 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Tired of Being the Nice Girl
380363 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Missing Out On Life
380362 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Why can't I emotionally get close?
380041 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: Great 1st date, but no follow up
380021 FAMILY: Don't Want to Live With Either Parent
380008 MARRIAGE: No Longer In Love
380007 SCHOOL: College Fears and Exam Anxiety
379649 FRIENDSHIP: My Friend's Child Is Unbearable
379600 OTHER: Choose Love, Or See What's Out There?
379420 CHILDREN: Daughter Upset About Me Wanting to Date
379331 MARRIAGE: Parents Will Disown Me If I Marry Him
379272 FINANCE: Loaning Money to Others Leaves Nothing for Me
379232 FRIENDSHIP: Torn Between Two Friends
379081 OTHER: Live Lesbian or Play it Straight?
378780 FINANCE: Struggling to Save for an Apartment
378760 FRIENDSHIP: Friend is Now Dating MY Crush
378665 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: I Want to Be Happy
378644 DATING/RELATIONSHIP: He Left Me, But I Want Him Back
378212 FAMILY: Fix Relationship with Mom and Brother
378174 FAMILY: Dealing with Loss
378156 SCHOOL: Take a Year Off?
378140 MARRIAGE: He Became Distant After I Became Pregnant
378109 OTHER: Should I run away?
378075 OTHER: Pregnant and Alone
377998 FRIENDSHIP: Everybody But Me Has Friends
377831 OTHER: I Feel So Alone After Mother's Suicide
377367 FAMILY: My Brother Scares Me
377297 OTHER: Fear of Driving
377003 SCHOOL: Worried I Hurt My Teacher's Feelings
376942 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Struggling with Anxiety
376795 CAREER: Feeling Trapped Working in Family Business
376697 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: I Can't Stop Lying
376654 FAMILY; How Can I Stop My Mom and Sister From Fighting?
376356 SCHOOL: College I Love or College Near Family?
376231 FAMILY: Aunt Keeping Us Away from Grandfather
376224 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: How to Balance My Job, My Kids, and My Dreams
375439 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Need Help Connecting With People
375199 CHILDREN: How Do I Handle Daughter Lying and Stealing?
374994 SELF-IMPROVEMENT: Adjusting to Life in Another Country
374911 OTHER: Is This Depression?
374809 MARRIAGE: Husband Left Me, And I Want Answers
374644 CAREER: This Job Is A Nightmare
374302 MARRIAGE: Husband is Drinking Too Much
374076 SCHOOL: Thinking About Dropping Out of High School
370284 CAREER: No Job, No Prospects, Now What?



“ Just to have someone hear me, understand and BE there was priceless.

- "John," Advice Seeker




“ What a lovely, helpful letter which I will read again and again... Your expert help is much appreciated.

- "Gillian," Advice Seeker




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- "Deb," Advice Seeker

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