It Hurts Too Much to Stay Friends
Original Letter
Dear Advice-People, I don’t know what to do. My ex-boyfriend wants us to be friends but it’s too difficult for me. I don’t know how to break it to him that we can’t be friends so I try to be rude and mean but then when I see that I hurt him I just feel terrible inside. Then he asks me if he should ask out my best friend and what she would say if he asked and I can feel my heart shattering.
Every time we talk, it’s like I’m falling in love with him all over again. I just want to move on. I want to be able to see other people without the thought of what we had in the back of my head. The thought of us. My thoughts when he broke up with me and moved on SO quickly. And when I mean quickly I mean quickly, the next day. I hate it. I just want to know how to tell him that we can’t talk anymore without hurting him. I know it sounds impossible but at least tell me how to break it to him. I love him to death but he doesn’t feel the same way.
Sincerely, The Broken Girl
Elder Response
Broken girl, it seems you assume he feels the same way you do, but acknowledge that he doesn’t act that way! The mistake you’re making may be in assuming he, because of his words of love, feels the same way that you do. It may be that he just doesn’t, maybe never did, feel the same way as you do.
You DO know what to do. Your ex wants to remain friends, but doing so is too difficult for you. So don’t. First of all, Landadon, you take care of yourself. It doesn’t matter that he wants to remain friends; it matters that you would find it too difficult. Tell him that you can’t be a friend… for right now.
Your ex wants to ask out your best friend. Problematic! Often times best friends agree not to get involved with the same guys… even at different times. The friendship may last a lot longer than any relationship. Talk to your best friend to find out her feelings. Explain that her dating him could make ‘double dating’ really awkward for you… at least right now until your heart lets him go. (However, do not say mean things about him. She must make up her own mind.) Realize, too, that you cannot control who he asks out. He will ask out whomever he wants to ask out.
So my answer to your concern that refusing his friendship would hurt him is that I doubt it would. I doubt he felt as strongly as you did. (I could be wrong.) I am wondering whether he wants to remain in a friendship with you in order to have easy access to your best friend. He could have ulterior motives.
Anyhow, I would not remain his friend. I would accept whatever your friend decides to do in regards to him. I hope this perspective helps. Write anytime.
Best Regards,
PicklesMarie