A letter writer worries that he has wrecked his relationship—but can’t remember what he did.
Our elder has some wise words to help him get over the guilt trip.

 

Dear EWC

The April we just had I messed up big time with the girl I had a “thing” with and that I still love to this day. I kissed another girl around April while on vacation and I remember only kissing and making out. I told the girl I am with currently that I had messed up and she was very upset and it took a while for her to gain trust back with me.

Still to this day I feel awful and since last Thursday we had a talk about it and after the talk while I was riding my bike to basketball training I remember thinking “What if I had sex with this girl on the cruise and I just don’t remember it?” And I honestly don’t remember anything like that and I’m just overthinking it and it’s driving me crazy and all I want to do is make this girl that I’m with so happy!! She has stuck to me like glue and always cared for me since day one. I couldn’t imagine myself doing that, I really can’t. I can’t remember if anything like that happened and I even had to ask that girl from the cruise if we did more than that and she barely speaks English but she said “only kiss” and I’m just so stressed out.

Some people may say I deserve it but does anyone have any advice? I just want to make my girlfriend happy now and myself happy. I’m not the same any more. Please help, somebody.

 

Blanford replies

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a guilt trip. You know that you should not have cheated on her and you were right to feel angry and guilty about you did. But we all make mistakes and the thing to remember is that we all have the capacity to learn from those mistakes.

You told your girlfriend what happened and after a time regaining her trust in you, she was able to forgive you. You really ought to take that as a queue to forgive yourself. She must care deeply for you or she would not want or be able, to forgive you. The fact that she was able to accomplish this, should tell you a lot about her and her feelings for you.

Have you heard the expression ‘Hate the sin, love the sinner’? I know you hate what you did, but that does not make you bad. Being angry with yourself is fine for a while, but now is the time to stop. It is clear that you care for your girlfriend a great deal and I don’t think you are a bad person, I think you are a nice guy who made a mistake.

I agree with you that you are overthinking what happened. If you don’t forgive yourself but continue to second guess what your girlfriend thinks you will make yourself even more unhappy. You write that others might say you deserve to feel bad. Making you feel bad is what your conscience does. But after a while you need to move on, to get on with your life.

You spoke to the girl you kissed and found that that was all you did. Nothing more.

Let’s talk about these thoughts you have about having sex with this girl and not remembering: I don’t think there is anybody who does not have daydreams about ‘what if’. But I doubt very much that you had sex with this girl because if you remembered the kiss then you would remember the sex. Besides, I am sure that she would let you know if you had sex with her.

I think this is your way of continuing to punish yourself for the mistake you made.

If you continue to beat yourself up instead of letting go of it, you could very well destroy the relationship that you want so badly to keep.

Because you refer to what happened, your girlfriend might wonder if there was more than just a kiss involved. She could also become bored by your continual reference to what happened. I say ‘could’, because she might not. But it is not a chance you want to take is it? She sounds like a lovely girl and I believe you are a lucky guy to have her in your life.

So, forgive yourself, don’t make your slip any worse than it was. Very soon the time you have with your girlfriend will become far more important than something that happened several months ago.

I really hope that you are able to put this behind you and simply love your girlfriend as she loves you. Have fun together. I wish you the best of good luck.

Best Regards,

Elder Blanford

 

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