When a letter writer gave her friends some anonymous gifts, it wasn’t actually appreciated.

Maybe you’re overthinking this, suggests our elder.

I’ve had this group of friends for four years now. They’re my best friends. However they were already friends before. As a result I always felt a little apart. However I was finally feeling like I was catching up for those lost years. But I’m not. I decided to surprise my friends so I did a personalized CD for each one of them and put it secretly in their bags. One of my friends (let’s call her friend A) though it was friend B. Friend A kept on saying things like “OMG she’s so sweet” or “only her to know me so well” and “we should all give her gift”. When I told friend A that it was me, she didn’t say all of those cute things. I don’t know if I’m just over reacting but I don’t feel very appreciated in this relationship. What should I do?

Grammy-Annie replies

I am so sorry you are struggling with this, dear, but I really think you are over-reacting. Every friendship is unique. Even though they are your best friends, your relationship with each one of them may be a little different. If you have a problem and need to talk to someone, you might talk to friend A for one kind of problem and friend B for another. Plus that, they were already friends. You will only cause yourself pain and distress if you constantly measure your relationship against what you think their relationship is like. 

Friend A may have been embarrassed that she didn’t realize it was you in the first place and that she said all of those cute things to you. That may not be how she sees you. Most of all, stop weighing every word or facial expression, trying to look for clues as to their feelings. Relax and just enjoy the friendship. You will make them all uncomfortable if they sense you are trying too hard. Next time, don’t leave an anonymous gift. Put your name on it. If you don’t, it will seem like you are testing them. If they don’t pass the test and guess right, it makes you and them uncomfortable. 

Good luck, dear. Please write again if we can help. 

Letter #: 402112
Category: Friendship