A letter writer’s girlfriend talks to a male friend six times a day. Is this normal?

It seems a bit excessive, agrees our elder.

Dear EWC

I’ve been in a live in relationship for a year+ with a woman who has had a male friend for many years that she characterizes as a “brother”. I just discovered that she’s on the phone with this man multiple times daily (as many as six), a fact I of which I was unaware — possibly by design. I’ve been in the room for a few of these conversations, but not for nearly as many as there are. In addition, the affection she seems to hold for him is, honestly, jealousy provoking! She got hostile immediately when I said it seemed excessive. I also know and like the guy, and up until now I didn’t question the relationship. I’m fully invested in our relationship and have discussed marriage with her. We are both mature in our sixties, so I don’t have any interest (or time) for triangle nonsense. I’m feeling a sense of broken trust. I don’t see this as an emergency, but I don’t care to waste a minute on a duplicitous partner. As they say, “Been there, did that”. What are your thoughts?

Good-Listener replies

I will be blunt. I think your instincts are correct. There is something not right about this excessive communication with some other guy. And, if your lady can’t see that, in my opinion, there is something not right about her.

By the time we’ve reached our sixties there are plenty of people who have impacted our lives. I have male friends with whom I might have lunch with a couple of times a year, or talk to occasionally (often about sports, but whatever the topic). But six times a day? And, not understanding that you might not be OK with that?  

I’m not a person who would ever tell anyone to break up with anyone else (unless there was physical or serious emotional abuse involved). However, just be honest with yourself. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, as I’m sure you are treating her. If you continue the relationship, understand that this is something you will be putting up with. If it’s OK and you’d rather be with her than alone, that’s your decision. But it’s doubtful this will change, so “buyer beware”. I wish you happiness and that, if you decide to move on, you find someone who will love and respect you (which I am sure you will). Good luck.

Letter #: 409007
Category: Dating/Relationship