But I still want to get back with him.

Is it OK to settle for less? Our elder thinks not.

Dear EWC

I wrote recently about a boy who I was dating for seven months that wouldn’t call me his girlfriend. We recently decided to break up because he told me that he doesn’t love me and wasn’t sure if he ever would. I was very patient with him as everyone falls in love at their own pace, but hearing him tell me he didn’t think he ever would was kind of my breaking point. We talked all the time about everything and I know he cared about me and liked me very much romantically. My question is, how could someone just not love me if they love talking to me and spending time with me? Part of me wants to still be with him, knowing that he may never love me, but another part of me feels that at 23, I shouldn’t settle for someone who claims they can’t love me. Is it OK to settle for someone that cares about me and treats me well even if they aren’t in love with me? Is it possible he’s lying because he’s afraid or do you think he just doesn’t love me?

Ruby-Mary replies

So sorry. I know you’re hurting. You’re involved in an unfortunate situation. It’s never easy to let go of someone you love. It does, however,become less complicated, when the person you love tells you he doesn’t love you. You were very patient and understanding with your boyfriend who has been hesitant to commit to you. I think it’s time for you to accept what he’s telling you now. He seems to care a lot for you. He seems to enjoy your company, but he says he doesn’t love you and this explains why he could never commit to you. Don’t you believe you deserve to be with someone who truly loves you? No way should you settle for someone who doesn’t want to be with you in a loving relationship. You can choose to settle for someone that cares about you and treats you well but isn’t in love with you, but you’ll never be truly happy! So, by “settling” it seems you’re choosing to be unhappy. How can you find the person you’re really meant to be with if you’re settling for and committing yourself to someone who can’t commit to you? So, I say no, it is not OK to settle for someone that cares about you and treats you well but are not in love with you. There’s no way for me to tell if he’s lying about how he feels about you. I always say, we should believe what others tell us… especially in matters of the heart. If he loves you in a romantic way, he would be anxious to tell you, to be with you and to shower you with love and attention. He would be anxious and determined to show you how much he loves you! You say he cares about you and treats you well. I believe that. Doesn’t mean he loves you, though. A good friend can exhibit the same kind of behavior, right?

I hope you’ll reconsider if you’re thinking about continuing a long term relationship with a guy who won’t commit to you and call you his girlfriend. Again, you deserve to be with someone who is fully committed to you in a loving relationship. I understand it will be difficult for you to let go. It’s always difficult to let go of someone you love. Perhaps it will help if you can begin to focus on the excitement you’ll feel when you find the person who will truly love you for the wonderful person you are. That person is out there and waiting for you. Choose true happiness… you deserve it. My thoughts are with you. Take care.

Letter #: 433556
Category: Dating/Relationship