…and I’m five months pregnant. Should I leave him?

You are right to be worried, advises our elder. Get out as soon as you can.

Dear EWC

I am five months pregnant and live in a home with my husband. Last night after work he went out with some friends and got very drunk, which he has done before, and we have fought over it before. I couldn’t get hold of him all night and he never came home. He finally called me this afternoon and said he got really messed up last night and did meth, which he has never done before. I’m so hurt and angry and I don’t know what to do. Do I leave him? I feel so unsafe and I don’t trust him at all at this point. If I wasn’t pregnant I wouldn’t hesitate to leave. What should I do? He still isn’t home and won’t be coming home until tonight. I am 27 and he is 33 — far too old to be doing things like this.

Terry-Anne replies

Thank you for writing to Elder Wisdom Circle regarding your current difficulty with your husband. I do agree it is time for you to make serious decisions about your future which includes the welfare of your baby.

If you have a place to go, then I think you should leave. I am sad to say that his past behavior is a good indicator of his future behavior. Consider that he has now “advanced” from alcohol to meth. My belief is that until he wakes up he will continue to abuse alcohol, meth and other drugs.

I agree that he cannot be trusted. You mentioned that you have fought over his drinking in the past. If you stay you will continue to fight but now the fighting will be over drugs as well as alcohol. Please don’t waste your life fighting with an addict.

It is also important for you to know that his choices are not your fault. He makes choices every day and with those choices come the consequences. The consequences are losing you and the baby. You cannot bring a child into an already dysfunctional relationship. Please also believe me when I say the baby won’t change things for the better. I have known so many women who thought having a baby would make things better in the marriage. In every case, the couple ended the marriage.

If you take my advice you will leave immediately. Don’t threaten to leave. Doing that will only make him angry and put you in danger. Also, if you threaten to leave and then stay he will know that you are not serious and that he can continue to manipulate you. Pack what you need and leave while he is away. You need to be safe. Go to a women’s shelter in your area for help.

Please don’t fall for his lies and empty promises. Addicts are master manipulators and cannot be trusted as you have already found out.

I hope my advice is helpful and that you will contact Elder Wisdom Circle again if you need us. We are always here.

Letter #: 430831
Category: Marriage