My ex-boyfriend is rude to me at school, so why can’t I stop thinking about him?

Our elder has some suggestions on how to put him in the back view mirror.

Dear EWC

I have this ex, he was my first love, my first time (which also lead to me feeling like he was using me for my body as he would only hang out with me out of school if we were doing sexual stuff, or would only message me for nudes), my first everything really. We have had a rocky relationship. We’ve been on and off about four or five times now and every time he ends it he always comes back. When we ‘broke up’ he was always rude, not like a normal ex being rude but really badly rude. He once got his mate to yell out, “You’re a slut!” to me across my school oval; he has also called me a slut plenty of times but never to my face. He makes petty, snide comments in the classes we have together, but again never directly towards me but makes them in a way that only I would know he’s saying them about me.

Despite all this, he seems to have this power over me. A couple of months ago he came back to me but it seemed to be different to all the other times, like this time he actually meant what he was saying about still loving me and we kinda started things up again but I had said that I would only let us happen again if he told me how he felt about me to my face in person as he had messaged me about it, but he never did. So about two or three weeks into us trying again I ended it because he had promised he would tell me these things in person but he never did, and he had multiple opportunities. Of course, he made excuses as to why he didn’t but there were mostly lies.

A couple of weeks after that I really missed him a lot so I reached out told him how I felt and he said he needed to think about it. He ended up telling me he was sorry but he had moved on from me around a week after that. That was in the school holidays so I thought, OK I’ll use the last week we have a way to clear my head and move on or whatever, and I thought once we got back to school he wouldn’t be rude any more because he was over me — but oh boy was I wrong. This term has been worse than he has ever treated me. I sit with his group now and he makes all these little comments and always refuses to sit near or next to me even when it’s the only seat left on the bench. He does things that he knows embarrasses or hurts me; it got so bad one day that I took a whole class off because I couldn’t stop crying, which led to me having to see the counselor at school. But for some twisted reason, I still miss him, and I still can’t stop thinking about him. I need advice on how to move on, on how to get over him because it is eating me up.

Good-Listener replies

I’m sorry you’re feeling confused about your ex. I’ll be a little more blunt than I usually am. I feel you are so much better off without the guy. He sounds rude (as you said), unreliable, crude, and appears to have little if any integrity. You can do better — you just need to believe that. I won’t go into each detail of how despicable he has treated you; I think you know. He hasn’t treated you with any respect and has no regard for your feelings.

So, the question is, if you truly want to move on, or have a fantasy about him somehow changing and turning into someone who will magically become the guy you want. The latter is not going to happen. I’m glad you saw a counselor at school — that was a good move on your part. It might not be a bad idea to see him/her or even for a short period, be referred to someone to be able to talk about why you still want to be with a man who is emotionally abusive.

Let’s talk about how you move on, then you can take what you will from the advice I’m giving. My opinion is you need to be around supportive people who will give you positive input. You might see if you can take a fun class, or join an activity group of your choice, where you can simply focus your mind on healthy distractions. Maybe there’s some volunteer work you could do for a cause you believe in (make sure all of these things are what you want, not what someone tells you, you “should” want). When you’re involved in positive activities, you’ll start to realize what you have to offer others — and those you come into contact with will help promote good self-esteem. I think, once there’s some distance between you and the guy and you are around people (maybe another special guy?) who can give you the respect you deserve, your mindset will change. I used to let guys walk all over me — it was pitiful and all I did was feeling bad about myself. It wasn’t until I got away from all that negativity that I started meeting a better quality of person and that lead to a better quality of guys I was around.

I’m very sure you can move forward and put the guy in the back view mirror. And, when you do that, you may even end up helping some other young lady through a struggle she’s trying to handle. Just remind yourself that you’re worth being treated with dignity and respect — and you will be. Good luck!

Letter #: 427606
Category: Dating/Relationship