I really want to have a breast reduction to help with severe back pain, but my boyfriend says he won’t be attracted to me anymore. What should I do?

Run, don’t walk, says our elder. Have the surgery and get away from him as fast as you can!

Dear EWC

I am a 5’2 woman that has GG breasts. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost four years now. The thing he loves most on a woman’s body is the breast area. I have severe pain in my back, neck, and shoulders and today I tried to talk to him about getting a breast reduction. He said to do if it’ll make me happy but that I will no longer be attractive to him because of the scarring. I have had 14 surgeries for various medical conditions. Surgery is the last thing I want. But every time I lose weight, my breasts stay the same size. He’s told me to try strengthening my back to help with the pain. When I brought up the fact that I would want him to wear what would be equal to the weight I carry every day so he could get some perspective on how much it really hurts, he became angry and accused me of wanting to end the relationship and using a breast reduction as an excuse. I really love him but I feel that I have changed a lot about myself to better fit with him and he hasn’t changed one thing about himself. When I brought up marriage, he said that he doesn’t answer to anyone and that he doesn’t have a timeline and that I need to clean up after myself (I already do that). I don’t know if I should get the surgery and hope that he stays, break up with him, or just deal with the pain. I was already in a controlling relationship when he didn’t let me on the couch unless I did exercise and he would try to control what I ate. I weighed 130 pounds then. I’m not sure if this is a similar thing and just a different situation. If you can please help me, that would be wonderful.

Sonora replies

The short answer is, yes, get the surgery and lose the boyfriend. Now, I’ll explain why these would be the best things you could do for yourself.

As I read your letter, before I even got to the end, my thoughts (about your boyfriend) were, what a dick! Your boyfriend is controlling. You should never change anything about who you are to fit with someone else. You deserve to be loved for who you are, not who someone else expects you to be. From what you are telling me, your boyfriend isn’t behaving in a way that someone who loves, cares about, and respects you would behave. You need to have this surgery because it will make you feel better. When you love someone you want what is best for them. Your boyfriend has demonstrated he cares only about what is best for him. That isn’t love.

Your suggestion that he carries around a weight equal to your breasts was a good one. Men do not understand the discomfort that women with large breasts live with. Your boyfriend’s response to your suggestion should tell you everything you need to know about him.

Obviously, only you can make decisions about your life, but you asked for my advice and here it is. Run, don’t walk away from this guy. Men who are controlling (a form of emotional abuse) only get worse, and they very often become physically abusive. Pay attention to these red flags. Don’t waste any more of your precious time with this man, life is too short.
You might want to consider counseling for yourself so that you can explore why you get into relationships with controlling men. I’m guessing it’s because you don’t love yourself enough to realize that you deserve to be treated better than what you have been willing to accept. No man is worth giving up yourself for.

I hope I’ve been helpful. Please don’t hesitate to write back if you’d like to continue this discussion, or to let me know how you’re doing as you move forward.

Letter #: 439106
Category: Dating/Relationship