My parents are going through a rough patch, and my mom asked me to co-sleep with her — but I don’t want to.

It’s not fair of your mom to ask you that, says our elder. Establish your boundaries and encourage her to seek help.

Dear EWC

Hey! So my parents have been kind of going through a rough patch for almost a year and haven’t been sleeping together for eight months and my mom has been feeling lonely and wants me to sleep with her but 10000% not in a sexual way (I’m a female btw) but I also don’t want to because I’m an independent person and as a 15 year old I like my privacy. I feel really bad for my mom because she asks me everyday and she has done everything for me, so what should I do?

Dot replies

I’m so sorry that your parents are having such a tough time right now. It must be so hard for you to watch your mom struggle with her loneliness. Sometimes when parents are feeling vulnerable they lean on their children to fill their needs. It’s not usually a healthy thing. I totally understand why you want your privacy. We all have our personal space boundaries and that is healthy. I’m glad that you feel confident to be able to act on your feelings. Please share that with your mom.

You can never fill that hole that your mom is feeling. You can talk to your mom to tell her that you don’t think it would be comfortable or healthy for you to give up your privacy. It might be helpful for her to talk with a professional to sort through her feelings and to decide on a plan of action. It’s not really healthy or fair for her to lean on you to solve her feelings or put you in the middle of her and your father. I’m sure she loves you so much and will see that she needs adult help that you are not prepared to give her.

When you say that she has done everything for you that tells me that she loves you and has done the things moms are supposed to do. Children really don’t “owe” their parents for the unselfish love that we give to our children. Maybe you could even suggest that the family could have counseling together. It is a very hard situation and I’m sure it hurts you to see your parents unhappy, but in the end, they are the only ones who can make themselves happy. I’ve learned throughout the years that we are each responsible for our own happiness. Others can’t fill that void if there is one. As a teenager, you need some independence to make some decisions and try new things. It would be unfortunate if you are held back by your parents need. I know that isn’t what your mom wants for you. Please talk to her and suggest getting some professional help. I will be thinking of you. Please feel free to write back to Elderwisdom Circle anytime. We are always here to listen.

Letter #: 446137
Category: Family