My best friend and roommate love partying, but I’ve had enough. Can I stop going to the club but still keep her friendship?

You do have a choice, says our elder. So does she.

Dear EWC

I am sick of going to the club and bar. My best friend and roommate loves partying and every Thursday and Friday she drags me to the club or bar and gets angry if I attempt to object. I do not like going out every Thursday and Friday. I feel like it’s tedious and bodily abuse away. Going out on Thursday nights till 4 am when I have 8:30 classes is honestly very stupid and irresponsible, but considering she is my best friend and the rest of my roommates also love partying I feel like I have no choice. All I want to do some Friday nights is eat fried chicken and watch Dr. Phil and do a face mask, but if I even offer to be the DD or to not go out, my friend gets very upset. I feel as though it is almost the foundation of our friendship. I feel very disrespected at the club and bar by the trashy men I find there and considering we go to a small college, a lot of people I know end up seeing me drunk at the club or bar and message me on social media and treat me very disrespectfully. I feel like I am outgrowing the party scene, but she is my best friend and I do not want to end the friendship over this issue. What do I do?!

Mr. Bill replies

Thanks for writing to us and sharing this story. You do have a choice! You may not like the choice, or rather, the outcomes no matter what you choose, but you do have a choice.

My first reaction as I read your letter was to congratulate you on making the decision to attend college and continue your education. I also truly admire your loyalty to your friend. You are a good friend and I hope she knows and realizes how much you value her, to the point you are doing things that go against what you consider to be in your best interests.

Now… you have your priorities pretty straight in your head, even if your heart doesn’t always follow them.
Of course, if you have an 8:30 class you shouldn’t be out drinking until 4 – every week.
And after a week of study and classes and the on-going issues of college, it’s really OK to sit in your room and eat fried chicken and watch Dr. Phil.
Plus, no one should have to subject themselves too drunk, rude, and trashy men unless they want to and enjoy and like the attention and that lifestyle.

I suspect most of us had our times of late nights and clubbing. I know I did. My friends did, too. A time or two, maybe even regularly for a while. In your case, every Thursday night, and Friday night… well, that can be unhealthy in many ways. At some point, I, too, outgrew that scene and began enjoying time at home, alone, and doing things that were important to me. It seems as though you have, too.

As for the small college and small town, I, too, attended a small college in a small college town. There were a few bars and clubs, but not many. There were places to go if we wanted, and when we did, mostly only the locals who were there. The locals and us college boys. And there were not many women from the college in those places. I do know the small town/college circumstances you describe.

When you go out, there may be some college guys there, at your clubs and bars, and they may be the ones who are drunk, disrespectful, and won’t leave you alone on social media. Goodness knows, I know some of my college classmates would have fit that description. However, if none of the college guys, the ones who are respectful and more desirable, are there, and only the ones you describe, either locals or party boys, I fully understand your inclination to discontinue at this scene. Some people like it. If they enjoy it, and it doesn’t harm or hurt them, go for it. However, you don’t sound like you do. And now comes your decision.

I have two pieces of advice for you to consider. Of course, this is only advice and the decision is yours. I think you may be ready to make it, though, given the tone and content of your letter.

The first thing to consider is who you are. Then, knowing who you are, let your life and actions be consistent. Your friend wants to party until late; you don’t. When you say that you might not go, she becomes angry. So, knowing who you are and if you are to act in congruence with who that person is, what is your decision?

I do know that you risk losing a friendship. However, if she is doing what she wants, and you decide to not do that any longer, or as frequently, and you are doing what makes sense to you, you both have the same decision: whether to remain friends or not. You are willing and want to. She has the same choice.

I hope that she, too, chooses friendship and respects who you are and what you do with your life and time. I hope that there is enough history, commonalities, and care and concern between you that you both continue on with your friendship. At some point, she, too, will outgrow the club scene. Hopefully.

Think about you and your friend, and about all that you do have in common, the good times you’ve had, and the hopes and dreams for the future… as friends.

Base your decision and your lifestyle on those two things, and continue your friendship. As with you, she, too, must know herself and to be true to that person. And I sincerely hope that she maintains her valued, trusted and loyal friendships.

I hope that gives you something to consider, maybe it even helps. In the final analysis, though, this decision about clubbing and late nights and classes and interacting with disrespectful and trashy men is yours.

Good luck.

Letter #: 447369
Category: Friendship