I feel ashamed that I can’t show my son what a good relationship looks like. Why can’t I be happy?
Take some time out, say our elders, and focus on the good stuff.
Dear EWC
How do I stop worrying about love and relationships to be happy? I have issues finding happiness in my life. I want to love so bad and be in a healthy life with my son. I am ashamed for not showing my son what a healthy relationship looks like. I’ve tried to be in a relationship with his father and he’s seen his dad hurt me many times. I feel like maybe I should be single for a while but I don’t know how to. My heart is big and all I want to do is love and with someone who is crazy about me. I want an easier life. I am a single mother and occasionally I start crying because of all of the commotion that’s going on. I’m not sure if it’s that I don’t love myself. I feel that I do, but I want to be comfortable alone and be satisfied with that. I want to be able to wake up an hour early every day, be prepared and drink a cup of coffee or something instead of immediately dragging myself up 15 minutes before having to walk out of the door. This is very important to me. I don’t want to blame anyone anymore for the way that I feel, I just want to live in the moment and plan for the future at the same time.
Beacons-of-Light reply
We are a group of seniors living in a retirement community, and we are glad you wrote to Elder Wisdom Circle.
We all face trials and tribulations throughout our lives. When dealing with difficult situations, it is important to not let yourself get dragged down by everything, and though we realize that is a difficult thing to ask, it will help you in the long run! Focus on the good in your life, and you will start seeing and recognizing that you are blessed with many things! If you only focus on the negative, you will only ever see the bad, and that will send you down an unhealthy spiral. When you find you are starting to focus on the bad stuff again, take a deep breath and tell yourself “no.” If you do this enough, in time you can start to condition your brain into not focusing on negative thoughts.
The struggles you are facing won’t be there forever! Things will change! You will face ups and downs, but if you can find your inner strength, and find a driving force, you will find what you need to face any challenge that life throws at you! You clearly care very much about your son, so we encourage you to continue to love and care for him! Our children can be our guiding purpose that gives us the strength to be the best versions of ourselves, as we often want them to have it better than we did.
Take some time off from relationships, and say no to dates for a while. If you are in an unhealthy relationship, that is sending the wrong message to your son. You are better off being a single parent, and treating your child with love. It can be difficult to be alone, but remember, you are not alone! You have your son and he can be the love/relationship for you to focus on! It isn’t the romantic relationship that you are yearning for, but it is one that you want to nourish and grow. Take the time to develop your relationship with your son, and in time (with patience), you will find your own inner peace and comfort with being you. Once you find your stride, then you can begin to seek out a new relationship. It can be difficult to have the patience, but the right person will come along, who will reciprocate your love, and cherish you for your big heart, and when that happens, you will be glad you didn’t waste time on the wrong person.
Also consider this: you can’t really love someone else, until you learn to love yourself first. So taking care of your own health and needs is important! Even if you have to seek out a mental health counselor to help guide you in the right direction. When you are looking to set goals for yourself, start small. If you immediately set a huge goal for yourself, you may very well be setting yourself up for failure. So, start with smaller, more achievable goals. If your ultimate goal is to get up an hour earlier, start small. If you’re struggling to even get up 15 minutes earlier, start with five minutes, and then build it up from there! Baby steps! Every little step you take forward is a step in the right direction! Even if you have to stand still every now and then, at least you’re not moving backwards! You could even go to bed earlier, organize your plans the night before, or develop some bedtime rituals to get you into a routine to help make things easier. Whatever it may be, don’t give up! Strive to be better, not necessarily perfect. If you solely aim for perfect, you’ll drive yourself bonkers every time you mess up something. Better is a much more realistic goal!
No one is perfect, and even when people show off their “perfect life” there is always something they are not showing. The important thing is to do the best you can. The concept of and “easier life” is often more fantasy than reality. At every step of the way, there is always something out of reach. Always something that is “easier.” So don’t fixate on that. If you live a life of what if’s, you will always be unhappy. Count your blessings, and look around you for joy, and if there is something that is really that important to you, do what you have to do to make it happen! You are going to be amazing!
We wish you the best of luck, now and always!
Letter #: 447537
Category: Self-Improvement