… but does that mean I have to be trapped in a friendship I hate?

There is a way out, says our elder, but it won’t be easy.

Dear EWC

So I just started middle school. I’m still friends with all of my friends but one of them has changed. A lot. She’s always jumping on us and screaming in our ears. She does it as a joke but we’ve all told her to stop a lot and she never does. I used to politely ask her to stop but now it’s getting so old and constant that I’ve started raising my voice at her when I tell her to stop. It’s not fun to be around her anymore. But my mom and her mom are best friends and my little sister and her little sister are close friends too. I take her home almost every day of the week during school and I’m not able to hang out with my closest friends because they’re not as close with her and it would be rude to go somewhere without her and her having to ride home alone. She sits with me and my friends at lunch (even though they’re not even friends with her) and I just want to move on from her but I’m totally trapped! It’s really annoying now.

Mrs.G

I feel your pain, as you are in a terrible situation; but I am a believer that if we look hard, we can work through our problems. As I see it, it is totally unfair that you have to spend time with this girl simply because of the closeness of your mothers and little sisters. Does this mean you have to be with her the rest of your life? No — there’s got to be a way out.

I have a few ideas but basically I know that whatever you try to do will be difficult for you. First of all, you need to sit this girl down when it’s just the two of you and tell her again about how you feel about her yelling. Tell her (nicely) that you just can’t stand it and ask her why she is doing it. Put the ball in her court, as the saying goes, to have her explain her actions. Remind her she has never been this way before and you’d like to know what exactly has made her change. If you ask in a sincere way, maybe she’ll open up and talk about it. I think she’s really looking for attention and just doesn’t know how to get it.

Secondly, I’m sure you’ve talked with your mother; but you need to continue talking. Here again, try to have a discussion with her in a calm manner and ask her how she would feel if this situation were reversed. Ask her if she thinks it’s fair to you to have to spend time with this girl. And ask her if she can talk to her best friend and explain what all is going on. Maybe she already has, but if not, she needs to. It’s time for the two adults to work this out — friends or not. You are being emotionally affected which is not right. You need help in this situation that only your mother can give you at this point.

The only other thing I can think of, my dear, is to maybe change your school schedule if that’s possible. Is there a club you could join after school to where you would need to leave school later? Could you participate in a school sport? Just a thought.

I think the bottom line is that it’s important to avoid hurting people’s feelings as you are aware; but sometimes just a good discussion can lead people to change. Maybe, just maybe, your friend will understand that her behavior is unacceptable and change back to the person she once was. It’s not impossible. And if not, keep in mind, school semesters are not eternities — though they can feel like it — and class schedules can change. Maybe next semester, things will be different. You never know.

I sure hope this works out for you as you deserve to be happy and have fun. Try not to feel so trapped. Look for ways out like the ones I have suggested perhaps. Take care and I wish you luck.

Letter #: 447800
Category: Friendship