I’m having an emotional affair at work. Should I leave my husband?

Let this other guy go, says our elder, and work things out with your husband.

Dear EWC

I’m a 23-year-old female and have recently married my high school sweetheart, who I love dearly. With that being said I’m almost 100 percent positive I’ve met my soulmate at work. He’s so incredibly sweet and caring about me. We share the same likes, dislikes, and future outlook. Nothing physical has transpired and has solely been an emotional affair. Which is completely unlike me, but I can’t stop. Our connection is undeniable and I feel so loved and beautiful every time we talk, which is practically a constant. My husband has no idea and I feel so guilty about hurting him. We hardly see each other and our relationship has started to strain a little over the idea of children. He doesn’t want any while I do, and I don’t want to force anything like this on him. He has already expressed that he truly doesn’t want any children but would eventually have one only for my benefit. Again, I don’t want to push that on him nor do I want us to have one and him come to resent it and/or myself. Children have been a huge topic with the other man because he already has a child and we have talked about a possible future where we are together and have our own children. The temptation is eating at me. I love them both and don’t know who to choose: the man whom I don’t share a true common future with but have history with or the man whom I have no history but an obvious connection and a common and wanted history.

JanLynn replies

Ideally, you and your husband would have come to a decision about children before you married. That’s a serious subject. To ignore it can bring misery and possibly separation at some point. Because it’s such a huge issue in your marriage, I hope you will consider counseling for both of you, in order to discuss having a child or not. One thing that you absolutely do not want to do is have a child solely because you want it. You say he would eventually have one only for your benefit. That’s not what you should do because it will bring resentment from him one day, and the child could suffer along with both of you. He knows right now that he doesn’t want a child, but it appears that he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear, to keep you happy. You guys are newlyweds, after all, and that’s when everything is peaches and cream, or should be, with both people wanting to please the other one. However, a person can only go along to get along for a short time. It’s not long term.

Now, let’s move to the soulmate problem, and I do consider it a real problem. You’re newly married, yet you think this new guy is your soulmate. You love your husband, but not enough, it seems. The guilt you feel isn’t enough for you to break it off with this guy. You’ve lived with your husband, seen him at his best and his worst. But with this other guy, you’ve only seen him at his best, listening to him telling you sweet things, smiling, having no real responsibility. My guess is he would change dramatically if you and he were to get together. But even if that didn’t happen, I very much hope you will honor your wedding vows and stay with your husband. Don’t be tempted by any other guy. Give all of your attention to your new husband. He deserves nothing less, don’t you agree?

If you continue to want a man other than your husband, I strongly urge you to talk with a professional counselor in order to receive guidance that will lead you in a healthy direction, healthy for both your husband and yourself. What happens with the other guy is something you shouldn’t be concerned about. After all, he’s not acting like a nice guy. He knows you’re married, but he still pursues you. You’re not available and that may be what appeals to him. If you were available, it’s very possible he wouldn’t be interested. It’s quite common for that to happen. Right now, he can hear sweet words from you and that boosts his ego. If he had to put anything into a relationship, you’d see a different person, at least that’s the way things usually work. Also, I want to point out that he can talk all he wants about having children with you. Talk is easy. Action, not so much. It’s a total guess whether that man would do anything at all resembling what he’s talking about now.

My specific wish is that you will reevaluate the situation and do what’s best for yourself — and your husband. You love your husband, which means he’s a good man. You wouldn’t love him otherwise, right? He’s going day to day, loving you, treating you well, not knowing that his beloved wife is thinking about another guy, wanting to be with him. It’s sad.

Your husband deserves the best, won’t you agree? He hasn’t done anything to hurt you. So, please, please don’t hurt him. Let the other guy go. Realize that he isn’t acting like a good person because he’s messing about with a married woman. You say you don’t know who to choose. I believe the choice is an easy one. I hope you will too. So very often, an “obvious connection” is short-lived with no foundation to hold it up.

Wishing you the very best in all of this, and wishing you a good marriage going forward. Take good care of yourself, your husband and your marriage.

Letter #: 452558
Category: Dating/Relationship