… and I was powerless to stop her.

It’s important to address this with her, says our elder. Talk it through.

Dear EWC

We were expecting a child together and she was about two months pregnant. She ended up getting an abortion today and I tried my best to convince her this past week not to abort the baby, but apparently I was powerless to stop her. In my mind I’m beginning to question the sincerity of her feelings for me after all of this time that we’ve been together. Do women abort the children of men that they love? I was looking forward to being a dad for the first time. One night we agreed to keep it and not even 24 hours later she makes an appointment to get an abortion at the clinic. I’m sad, angry and heartbroken right now. I don’t really know how to handle the way that I feel. I don’t want to be a jerk and take my anger out on her. But since I found out that she was getting the abortion, I’ve been quiet and not speaking much around her. A part of me wants to hurt her emotionally and make her feel like I feel but that would be immature and childish, I think. Another part of me just wants to ignore her but at the same time I still want to be with her. It’s like I can’t function without her. I still love and care about her but I just don’t know where to go from here. Alcohol and pornography are only temporary masks to hide the pain. I honestly am wondering what she has been with me all of this time for? Does she even care about me? I don’t think she does. She just says it, but her actions usually tell a different story. I’m just trying to figure out how to handle this in a mature manner.

Lincoln-Parker replies

Understandably, there are many emotions in your inquiry. I must first qualify my response by telling you that I am very conservative, and I certainly agree that alcohol and pornography are not the answer. Once their effects have worn off, you are still left with all the questions that caused you to abuse them in the first place. They will provide no answers, but will just put you deeper into your current dismay.

I think that you have to address this head-on. It appears that you and your girlfriend had an agreement on how you would address this pregnancy, and she broke that agreement without telling you. Now, of course, she had the most invested in that she would carry the baby. If she wanted to terminate, under modern thinking, she had every right. Still, when she changed her mind, she should have certainly informed you as the father, especially because you were excited about being a father.

You are correct that you should not try to emotionally hurt her (she too has been through trauma), but you are right in questioning what this means for your relationship going forward. The fact that she acted so quickly after you agreed on an opposite outcome, raises a flag that you should thoroughly investigate. If she could do something as serious as this without discussion, you should ask yourself how sincere her feelings are in general. That doesn’t mean that you should break things off — just that you should make sure that you understand whether you are on an equal footing about the important things in a long relationship such as: responsibility, sharing, family, and any other issues on which you may differ. You may be on different pages; if so, unless you can agree on some middle ground, and you know that each will honor that middle ground, chances for a successful relationship are slim.

Talk it through with her. Let her know that you were sad not only about her decision but also that she had agreed to do otherwise which made you happy. Listen carefully to the reason for her reversal, and then make a calm but informed decision on where the relationship can and will go. Then give it sufficient time to see if it follows that path.

Letter #: 460207
Category: Children