But we’ve only been on one date so far and now I’m having anxious thoughts. Down, boy, says our elder. Take it slow and easy, and don’t overthink things at this stage.
Dear EWC
Last week I went on my first date with my now girlfriend, everything went absolutely amazing and we were both excited to see eachother again soon. We’ve texted almost every day, as well as calling on the phone a few times just to fill that gap of not being able to see each other and it’s great. The reason I’m here is because, well, I have never ever felt this way about another human being. I’m 20 years old now and I’ve had my fair share of relationships, even thought I was in love a few times, but honestly nothing I can describe compares to this feeling I have for her. I can only hope she feels the same. She certainly acts like it, but my anxiety is pushing bad thoughts into my head like, “What if she doesn’t like you?” Or, “What if she cheats on you?” and I’m getting to the point where I feel I need someone to talk to and hopefully reassure me. I’ve never felt such strong emotion before now, and as such I am having a hard time coping with it, a hard time deciding how to act. I think I need advice from someone who has had a similar experience and is hopefully married now, just so that they can let me know how they coped with such strong emotion and possibly bad thoughts.
CraigJ replies
Two pieces of advice that may help.
Number one: down, boy. In other words, take it slow and easy. One date and a few calls does not a soul mate make. We’ve all been through it and the advice is always going to be the same; take your time and see how things work out. While initial feelings can be strong, and maybe they can last forever, they also can just be based on just being with someone new.
I’m sure you know this and have heard it before, but it’s very true; there is a very big difference between being hot for someone and building a relationship that may last forever. Maybe this will work out, maybe not, but just cool your jets. Also, it’s a bad move to be too over-the-top with anyone; they usually get tired of it.
Number two: don’t overthink everything. We can pretty much destroy the beauty and joy of lives and relationships by wondering about everything that is said, not said, done, or not done. This can of thinking can suck the joy out of living, because it usually sends our minds away from the present, and into some internal universe where we over-analyze every action or word. It’s also annoying to the other person.
Don’t do it. It’s a pointless exercise and a tough way to live. While it is perfectly fine to give things ‘due consideration’, over-thinking is a plague of modern living. Be with her; let her be with you; enjoy the time and see what works out.
So, overall, my advice is simply to be cool and enjoy the experience. You can’t know where it’s going to go, but maybe it’s as you say — she’s your soul mate. Or maybe she’s just another good person you meet on the way to where you’re going. Either way it’s OK. Just keep your eyes open and beware of being swept up in the euphoria of being with someone you like a lot, because the absolute fact is that only time will tell if she’s the one; attractions and feelings tend to change.
I used to tell my kids I wouldn’t pay for a wedding if they got married before they were 25. One got married at 22 (yeah, I paid), divorced at 24. The other waited until she was 30 and met a really good guy, her soul mate I suppose, and things are great. While the first kid found another guy and things are good, the point is that your mind and expectations change a lot in the years you’re headed toward. It’s a great time, very exciting, with great memories, but just keep a clear head and don’t go nuts; this usually only leads to trouble.
I hope this helps a bit and wish you all the best. Hey, maybe this is the one for you! Just take your time. There is no rush.
Letter #: 461993
Category: Dating/Relationship