Where are the hugs? Why does she make me cry?

Not all moms mother in the same way, says our elder, but here’s how to get the comfort you seek.

Dear EWC:

Hi, I need advice. Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m 17 years old and I’m currently studying as a high school student in the 3rd year (which is the last year of high school where I live). And I’m a female.

I’m not stressed. I’m not depressed. But I’m sad and angry. With my parents. With my mother. Because I don’t think she listens to what I say. Because she doesn’t really care about my health, my emotions, my feelings, my opinion. Because she only cares about my education and my manners. Because every time I tell her how my feelings are hurt, how I feel, she just says OK and cuts the conversation off. Because she never gives me reasons every time she chooses something for me, whether I do agree or I don’t.

Why do people come to their moms to cry, to have warm hugs or calming advice? To have words that encourage them? But why is it her that makes me cry instead? I never cried because of a boy, nor a girl. I take my friendships problems alone. I don’t know to whom I should trust my stories. Whom should I ask to lend their shoulders?. Does she have fun shouting at me? Punishing me? I hope you respond soon.

ConstanceF replies:

Thank you for reaching out to Elder Wisdom Circle. I feel your angst via your letter, and it’s really refreshing to me that you are able to articulate exactly what your issue is.
Some people, myself included, do not find it easy to be soft and easy with our kids. We definitely would fight to the death for them, but we tend to think that we know best in every situation and to run roughshod over our kids’ feelings. We don’t intend to hurt them through our actions, but we do.
I can only say that I think your mom has your best interests at heart, but that you are more an emotional type and your mom is more a thinking type. Knowing this, have you considered looking for another adult to talk to? My daughter had several other adults who helped nurture her in areas where I was weak. Her dance teacher, a librarian at her school, our minister—all had input into my daughter’s emotional health. They filled the gaps where I fell short.
My advice to you is to continue to try and engage with your mom, but seek out other adults who can fill in her gaps. As the saying goes, “It takes a village…” Best wishes.

Letter #: 435127
Category: Family