How do you keep envy from killing a relationship?

Learn to be happy with yourself, our elder advises. And then learn to be happy for others. Here’s how.

Dear EWC:

Hello, I´ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was 14. I´ve recently discovered that I may also have OCD with my romantic relationships, due to constant jealousy, stalking, asking, and a lot of other OCD symptoms. I’m currently in a relationship with a guy who is pretty attractive (which has been kind of difficult for me since the beginning).
I´ve been improving, but now, he has an offer from a photographer to model on a well-known fashion line; when he told me I got very surprised and congratulated him and made him feel very special. But deep down,I´ve been really jealous of the fact that he is going to model; more guys are going to know him, follow him, feel attracted to him and talk to him. It just made me feel very very insecure, and the other ugly thing I feel is envy; I´ve always wanted to work on something like that, you know? Modeling is like a fantasy of mine and I’ve always wished something like that would happen to me, yet it has not. I envy the fact that he is just so attractive that he didn’t have to do anything.
I hope you can help me, please. I feel so incredibly bad, and reaching out for therapy is hard in these times and economically quite difficult for me. Thank you so much!

Angel replies:

I am glad you wrote to us but I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with depression and anxiety and also with relationships. It sounds to me that you lack self-esteem, and that is what I would concentrate on if I were you. You don’t mention if you are in school or have a job, but I think you need to find what makes you happy in life and go after that.
People who are not happy with themselves will never be happy in a relationship, so work on YOU now. Do you love to write, sing, do art, model, teach, help other people? Find what you love and what makes you happy and start doing that and working on it every day. That is how we gain self-esteem—by feeling good about ourselves.

You mention that modeling has always been a dream of yours—then go to auditions, take classes, get an agent, or perhaps your new boyfriend can get you in the door of modeling, or you could learn from him. But your jealousy, stalking, asking questions, and “OCD behavior” as you call it, is the result of your lack of self-esteem. When you find what you love to do, you will be happier and more confident, and you will not need to do those things in a relationship.

It would be good if you could find someone to help you work through these things. I know counseling is expensive, but perhaps you might have a friend, neighbor, relative or someone you could trust to get ideas from and talk this over with, even if it is just over the phone (to be safe from the virus). We all need a little help sometimes, so don’t be afraid to reach out.

I will be thinking about you, and I hope you will find what makes you happy in life very soon. Sometimes people who are sad or depressed feel much happier when they reach out and help someone else—doing volunteer work or finding a job that helps other people in some way. I wish you only the very best, and please remember that we are always here if you need us.

Letter #: 459447
Category: Dating/Relationship