Red flags abound in this crowded relationship.

Our elder says it’s time to move out for SO many reasons.

Dear EWC:

Hello, I hope you are having a nice day. My girlfriend (N.) and I have been together now for a little over a year and we are thinking about getting married. I have lived with N. and her family now for around six months and we go to the same college. N. and her family are deeply religious and do not believe in sex before marriage. I have never been very religious but have been going to church and studying the bible with her.

The problem is that if we were to get married, our financial aid to the college would change and she wouldn’t be able to receive her benefits. We still have four years left in college and I’m not sure what to do. I do not believe that intercourse should be the driving factor in any marriage but I do not think I could hold out for that long. P.S. N. and I are both 20 years old.

Nick replies:

I get it. I truly do. You are seriously attracted to this girl. I think the jury is still out as to whether you are in love with her for two reasons: #1 you are only 20 and in college and #2 because your every decision is directed by her parents, like you are their Pinocchio and they get to pull the strings.

So my first recommendation is that you move out. Yes. Move out. You don’t say you have to live with her parents for financial reasons. You need distance so you can date and have a normal college bf-gf relationship away from her parents questioning or dictating everything the two of you do.

My second recommendation is that you stop molding yourself into who they demand you be. There’s nothing wrong with her parents being religious. But ask yourself this: if you were not living with them would you be embracing any of this on your own?

This brings me to the elephant in the room and that is sex. Probably from their perspective sex is a hush-hush topic and they think it is their duty to impose their sexual views from their strict religious beliefs, on you and on their daughter who, again, I remind you, is an adult now. I’m pretty sure they are doing so from a sense of conviction and a strong belief that you will go to hell and take their daughter along for the ride, if you become sexually active. For all these reasons I think you and Nicole should take a step back from this 1 yr. relationship. If I were you I would move out and continue to date Nicole but on your terms, apart from her parents.

While the financial consideration is not one to be ignored, it really is not the main issue in your situation. Marrying her now simply so you can have intercourse is absurd and as you say, not the reason to marry. You need to experience each other outside of living with her parents in order to determine whether you really want to be together in a marriage. Either move out yourself and date her as most 20 yr. old college students do or move out with her and give that a try.

But staying there, having your will molded into who they demand you be, all-the-while giving you an artificial experience of N. as a grown-up in a relationship, should not be one of your options.

Dating/Relationship 

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