I always send my friend cute pictures but she doesn’t talk to me as often. Am I boring? 

Why not step back a bit, says our elder. Continue to check in, but make sure to live your own life.

 

Dear EWC

I have a friend who, on an unrelated note, I fell in love with. In any case we have been good friends for a long, long time. However lately I’m concerned that I’m not being a good enough friend, or whatever. We have been focusing on college and school, etc. But we usually always make time for each other. I always check up on her and make sure she’s having a good day and try to send her cute little cottage core or forest natural pictures. We often talk about living together and getting married but I’m sure not seriously. In any case I don’t know what I am doing wrong. I’m not sure if I’m being selfish because she’s not talking to me as often or if I am just being plain old boring and not being a more active entertaining friend. She’s always been understanding but I am not sure how this might affect our relationship if I come clean and about how I feel. I don’t want to stress her out more with my insecurities while she’s already having a tough school year.

 

Grammy-Lin replies

Well, it’s difficult since I don’t really know your friend like you do, but I’ll give you some general things to consider. First, do you contact her every day? And maybe you’re not hearing back from her every day? The first part of your letter was a little unclear, so I may have missed the problem. My understanding is that you feel she’s not as interested in talking with you as she used to be. Is that correct?

One thing you’ve mentioned is that she’s having a tough school year. So that may be your first clue. Maybe she’s falling behind and getting pressure from her parents to study more. Do you think this may be part of the problem?

Also, you say that you check to see how she’s feeling and you send her cute pictures. Do you tell her interesting things about yourself or what you’ve been doing? The reason I ask is because if your messages are pretty much all the same – how are you, here’s a cute picture – yes, she may be getting bored with that or maybe she doesn’t know what to say anymore. Just some thoughts.

In an interesting friendship/relationship, there is a lot of give and take. Too much taking is selfish. Too much giving (without any reciprocation) is boring. Is your friend genuinely interested in your life? Do you share interesting things with her, or are you just so focused on her that you’re not doing anything interesting to talk about? If so, I should warn you that she will soon become bored. It’s not that you have to be a more entertaining friend, but it helps if you are an interesting person with hobbies, passions, and things going on in your life besides her. This might make her (or someone else) want to know more about you.

My advice is to step back a little bit. If you’re contacting her every day, take it down to every other day. Then maybe every three days. See what happens. Check in to see how she’s doing, but make sure you have some things going on in your own life besides her. This means having other friends, socializing (as much as we can in the age of Covid) and talking to other people. Read an interesting book. Watch a good movie. Find things you can talk about with her.

If none of this works, you may have to just ask her if she’d like to take a break. But my guess is that maybe you just need to step back a little bit and give her some space to deal with school. 

I hope this helps. Write back if you’d like to tell me how it went. I wish you the very best! 

Article #: 472303

Category: Friendship