My parents won’t let me date my boyfriend because of his hometown. Should we break up?

That depends, says our elder. It’s time to think about the long term.

Dear EWC

I have a boyfriend. My parents are not supportive of our relationship because of his hometown. I know it’s petty, but yes. My parents have this trauma, getting close to people from that specific city. I met this guy during my internship. I have liked him since the very first time I saw him. He is on staff at that company. He was very kind from the very start, also very attentive. He is fair and square to everyone. I guess I fell in love with his personality. Every time we have a conversation, the more I love him. But now I am still financially supported by my family. So, if I do not obey their order, I won’t have money to hang out or go out. My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship. I need some pocket money to see him. I cannot invite him to come to my place since I am living with my parents. Should we break up because there is no future for us? But I do love him so much. He is a good listener, he sees me, he can read my mind. It’s been four years since my last relationship so yes I don’t know.

Mr. Bill replies

Thanks for writing to us and trusting us with your story. I’m Mr. Bill and I’d like to share a few thoughts with you. I hope it helps.

My first thought is that I am happy for you that you found someone you like and love. Good for you. Many are looking; many haven’t found that person yet. You are quite fortunate.

I was a little disappointed in your parents, judging everyone from a specific city as someone they don’t like or want to get to know. There may be reasons for that, but I think it is too bad that we can’t look at individuals and judge them for who they are. Especially good people, like ones who would make their daughter happy.

You don’t list your country, marking other. Perhaps your country has some regional hostilities. Or maybe your parents had a very bad experience with some people in your boyfriend’s city. Or you live in the country and your parents don’t like the values and lifestyle of the city. Whatever the reason, I’m sorry that you are in this difficult position.

I was also a little disappointed that your parents would use their home and financial support to dictate to and control you. I do understand your concern about defying them and what that might mean for you. Of course, you would like money to go out and hang out with friends. I’m sorry you are in this position and having to make this difficult choice.

You mentioned that you met your friend during an internship. Along with the title of your letter, that tells me you are in your 20s and either looking for a job or about to start looking. I wish you luck with that, and from my point of view, the sooner the better. You are about to be on your own, making your own way, and becoming independent. No longer having to rely on your parents for financial support. You can look forward to that day and work to make it a reality. Several parts of your life will be easier when you are making your own decisions and are on your own.

From reading your letter, it seems to me that you have made at least one decision, and/or you are not in a position to move out. You are staying at home and continuing to rely on your parents for financial support. You love your boyfriend and your next decision is what, if anything, to do about the relationship. Here’s my thinking.

Of course, the decision is yours to make. I can’t make it for you. However, an alternative to breaking up with him is to look farther into the future, to a time when you will be working, supporting yourself, and are independent. You write that there is no future for this relationship. Well, that may be accurate if you decide to stay with your parents for your entire life. If you think that at some point you will be on your own, isn’t it possible to continue the long-distance relationship as best you can, stay in contact with each other, and see if the relationship can continue on that basis? There may even be opportunities for you two to occasionally meet in between your two cities or living areas. You met at an internship, you may have opportunities to meet again, somewhere else. 

Long-distance relationships are very difficult to maintain and many of them don’t survive. I guess it depends on how long they must continue. If you would prefer to not be in a long-distance relationship, you could always take a break, as opposed to breaking up, and see what things look like when you are more independent. After all, if this relationship was meant to be, it will be.

On the other hand, if you plan to live with your parents for the foreseeable future, and really don’t see a future for this relationship, then yes, you might as well gently end whatever has developed between you. Concentrate on your preparation for work, your job when you get it, and look forward to the time when you will be financially independent and more on your own. Other decisions can be made at that time.

That’s my thinking, and thanks again for writing to us. I know I haven’t solved your dilemma, but I hope that I have given you some alternatives and something helpful to think about as you make this decision. 

Article #: 482592

Category: Dating/Relationship