That’s creepy, right?
Our elder has some no-nonsense advice for a letter writer whose roommate’s behavior sounds a lot like stalking.
Dear EWC
I am a girl in my early 20s and finishing university, and I have been living with two guys I have known since my early teens. However, since we moved in together in September, one of the guys, whom I’ll call Q, has been acting strange towards me. Initially, I thought I was just being hyper aware, but things got progressively worse. Q would always do small things for me or compliment me, and I started feeling uncomfortable when he wouldn’t take no for an answer, such as buying my drinks even when I said I wanted to pay for them myself. He even came into my room while I was sleeping and left flowers, even after I told him to stay out of my room. It was very creepy, and I had to confront him about his behavior. He apologized but never fully understood what he had done wrong. He continued to message me several times a day, asking me about my whereabouts and who I was with, making me feel uncomfortable.
Recently, he gave me a hurtful speech that made me cry for hours, calling me a terrible person who doesn’t care about other people. I have been staying with friends for a few days, but I will have to go back home, and I don’t want to lose our mutual friends. How can I live with Q without being uncomfortable? I just want us to be civil and comfortable around each other without being best friends. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Catherine replies
Although you and Q have known each other since your early teens, it is possible that he has always harbored a secret crush toward you. Also, it is possible that since moving in together, in September, his feelings towards you changed. Regardless, living in proximity with you, it’s obvious that Q’s behavior toward you has altered dramatically. My best guess is that he likes you in a non-platonic way. I suspect that he would like to be your boyfriend.
Look at the evidence:
- He did small things for you.
- He complimented you.
- He paid for your drinks for you.
- He left flowers in your room.
- He messaged you several times a day.
What is most problematic about his behavior is that when you indicated that you were uncomfortable, “He wouldn’t take no for an answer.” This is worrisome. Q sounds very controlling. Frankly, his behavior sounds like something you need to report. The fact that you had told him to stay out of your room, but he came into your room while you were sleeping to give you flowers, is very disturbing. You say you confronted him about his behavior, but he didn’t understand what he did wrong. Clearly, he didn’t change his behavior since he kept messaging you, asking about your whereabouts and who you were with. That is a form of stalking.
My advice to you is not to move back in with Q. Furthermore, I would report his behavior to a counselor at the university. After you speak to a counselor yourself, I think you will be better able to explain to your friends how frightening and inappropriate Q’s behavior was. If your mutual friends are educated and made aware of the way he was harassing you, I think they will rally to your side. Regardless, I hope you will keep yourself safe, and stay away from Q.
I hope my advice proves helpful. Please feel free to write again to let me know how things work out. I care!
Article #: 496018
Category: Friendship